Dont Listen to the Moldy Doughnuts

I had my second conceling session today, it went well. We talked about my childhood and stuff like that. While in session, I had to tell my councelor how my dad didnt feed us, and when he got pissed he didnt buy us food for weeks, even months.

Through this, I recalled an event from childhood: One weekend before the beginning of a school year (I think it was in elementary school, not sure on the year) my Mom, Step-dad and little brother came over for the weekend to take us school shopping and what not. We stayed at a holiday inn on the beach, it was a pretty fun weekend. On the last day there, me and my little brother went to the lobby of the hotel where they had a free continental breakfast... It wasnt much of a spread, just coffee, milk, assorted cereal boxes and bags of mini-doughnuts... Im guessing the continent is Africa... Anywho, I ended up taking ALL the Freakin doughnuts I could stuff into my pockets and hands because I knew once this weekend was over I would go back to my dads where there would be no food.

I hid the doughnuts in my dresser drawers. I tried to use them sparingly so they would last longer. About a week later, I was in my room at night and decided it was time for dinner. I ripped open my last chocolate doughnut, devoured it, and moved to finish off the plain flavored doughnuts. While half way through eating the plain doughnut, I noticed that there was green mold all over my doughnut... I started to cry. Part of me was sad because I was so hungry and just wanted to eat... The other part of me was sad becuase this was my life... I was a bum, I was worthless, I was meant to live in this hell, I believed that no one loved me, I didnt deserve anything good, I felt defeated... I almost want to tear up typing this because I remember that night all to well... But at that point in my life, I believed I was worthless, below everyone else... I scraped off the green mold with my fingers and finished my doughnut, in tears.

It has taken years to erase the feeling of worthlessness, of feeling unwanted, unloved. My counselor, lets call her Kacey from now on, stopped me and said "Do you realize you have come a long way?"... I told her my friends and family says that a lot, and the truth is, I dont realize it yet to it's entire truth. But I really have... My beliefs, my thoughts... I think now on what I believed then and Im in awe... I was so wrong, people do love me, people do care, I DO have worth in this world, I am more than I give myself credit for. This didnt really hit me until about 20 minutes ago. I received a phone call from Gmo, a good friend and he really spoke into me. Then, while sitting up here at Wired Bean, Matt Jones, another friend from the shack, sister (who I just realized does not like being called Matt Jones sister, so lets call her Courtney) ran into me and asked me if I was Tony, to which I said yes. She said "hi" and she said that her brother speaks very highly about me and likes me (in a straight way) very much... I realized something... I am Something... I am not worthless, people do love me. This negative opinion I have of myself is a facade, I am loved, and I love my friends.

I have come along way, and yet theres so much more to go. I thank my friends for helping me in my struggles, sometimes the littlest thing goes the longest ways. God bless.