How to Save the World

I watch those commercials on TV with those starving children, and I see those commercial's with the abused dogs and it makes me sad (yes, i know, there are Cats in those abused animal commercials also, but who gives a damn about Cats). Recently I have been struggling with that. Sometimes those images of the hungry and broken make me really sad, and Ill I can do is change the channel or avert my eyes.

If I could feed those children and save those doggies, I would. But I dont have the money to donate and I unfortunately dont have the time to fly to Africa and feed those kids. So what do I do? For the past few years, Ive just looked the other way, because it hurts to much to see it, and it sucks being so worthless towards that whole mess.

These feelings brought up some good questions for me. For one, why is this burden so heavy on my heart if I am so unable to do anything about it? Why was I wired to love so deeply, but cursed with the means to do nothing?

Now, I put that first part out there, and Im going to come back to it, in the meantime, follow this:

The past few months I have been faced with some hella adversity. I have a family member who talks about suicide and struggles with feeling loved. As a result, I catch the downside of that. I get accused of things that are not true, and I face the feeling of responsibilty for this persons life. (And for those of you who dont know me, my roommate committed suicide back in college, and no matter what anyone says, you still feel guilty for their death. You still recall instances where you could have been nicer, or could have done more. I dont want those kind of regrets ever again).

Ive been dealing with these attacks/suicide scares for the past few years now. It dosnt get easier, but it does make me want to just flee from this whole situation. I just want to walk away from it all and not ever deal with it again. It would sure be easier.

Ok, keep that part on the back burner as well, one last story:

A friend of mine from high school, a good guy, he really is. But he is greatly troubled. He too struggles with inner fears and feelins of worthlessness. I try to reach out, but get nothing in return. Again, that makes me want to just walk away from it all. I can Totally have that "F Me, F-You" Attitude. But thats not what I am called to act like. Thats not love.

Ok, so lets tie this all in a bow. Lets combine these all now:

I think sometimes we view saving the world as this big Global affair. It seems their's this idea that we all have that in order to feel like we are doing something worth while and meaninful in this world, it has to be done overseas in some poor and impoverished country. I think those kind of things are great and all, and important, dont get me wrong, but I feel we are missing opportunities right here, right now, everyday, that are just as important, that maybe wont save the world, but maybe a human life in this world.

I can give up on my family member. I can give up on my friend. Its so much easier to just walk away from problems than to just Man-up and deal with them. Its so much easier to just donate $5 a moth to Sally Struthers, give me self a pat on the back, and just move on. But Im not called to do that, I am called to Love. And I feel my heart was built to love others, and make them feel loved. And it gets hard sometimes. Sometimes its harder to love someone you know than a complete stranger because of all the baggage that comes with knowing someone for so long. Its easy to love a stranger, because in a sense, they are innocent in your eyes. Someone close to you however, you pretty much know everything. You know all their crap, and its harder to just Love them when theres so much baggage in the way.

But no one said love was easy. And no ones said walk away from your problems. Ya know, Im not sure if any of this is clear or not. I have a lot on my mind, and Im not sure Im communicating it clearly enough, but I will close with this. Saving the World isnt just about doing mission trips in Africa. Its not just about donating just $5 a month to some charitable organization. Its more than that. Think Globally, act locally someone told me (thanks Erin). Its loving all of those around you. Even the assholes. If everyone truly loved everyone and everything, we wouldnt have to donate money to these crazy organizations that probably dont spend that money wisely anyways.

I realize that this is a Utopian kind of idea, but I beleive the answer really is that simple, albeit virtually impossible to accomplish. So what do you do? You could avert your eyes and feelings from all of this, or you can love full steam ahead. I choose the latter. At least Im going to try.

Everything Happens For A Reason... Right?

To have Faith like a child... those were the days.

When I was a kid, I used to believe that everything happened for a reason. I believed that God was in control of my path, and the things that happened in it. I believed there was no luck (and trust me, if there was, I didnt have any), it was this Divine Will that guided me.

As an adult now, Im not so sure I believe that, at all. Taking the past 28 years into account, I have a hard time saying "God Willed this to happen" or "Its all a part of His plan". These eyes, this soul, have seen and endured much hardship. Its so hard for me to believe that God Willed this, or even allowed this to happen. If it was truly his hand guiding me, than it was that same hand that put me through 3 personal hells, it was that hand that slapped me instead of helping me.

Maybe it's just age taking away my child-like hope. Maybe its just a collection of scars on my soul that dont allow me to believe in this guided path. Whatever it is tho, I wish it wasnt there. I wish I knew that God was in control. I wish I could believe he cared, and was truley near to the broken hearted. But does he care? Is he truly near to the brokenhearted? Honestly, I dont know. But I do know this; I want to believe it. I want to believe I serve a higher purpose than to just exist. I want to believe.

I was reading the book of Mark the other day, and I ran across this part where this Man brought his Child who was all messed up (rolling on the ground, foaming at the mouth, not good stuff) to Jesus. The Man said to Him "But if you can, take pity and help us Cracka" (this guy was a total thug). And Jesus was kinda taken back and said "IF I can? All things are possible to those who believe, cracka" (He too had some Street in Him).

I liked that part. But the part that stuck out to me was not what Jesus said. It was the mans reply, his prayer actually. He said; "I do believe... help my unbelief".

I think this stuck out because the answer to my Faith question, much like any other question in life, was simple. Just ask. Ask to believe. And I dont do that, I kind of skip the whole Knocking part of the Knock and it Will be Opened to you thing. I just stand at the door expecting it to open because Im there.

Back to the Basics. My Marine Corps Drill Instructor Staff Sergeant Golden once said "when times are tough, go back to the basics". To this day, Im still not 100% sure what that means. But to my faith, it means going back to the most simplest of all Christian duties: Prayer.

I need to go back to that. Asking to believe. I think my most recent prayers include Financial Stability and mercy on Tupac's Soul (Ok, I know that sounds lame, but it's true... I have a poster in my office, I see him every day and I pray for him... dont judge me!). I havnt been praying for the basic foundation of my faith, or about anything Christian related?

I find that I dont really get what I pray for when its about my personal agenda/physical needs. But when I sit down and pray for a Change in my heart, I can honestly say I get it almost every time. And thats where I need to start, with the basics.

So, will I believe again like I did when I was a kid? When I felt invincible in what was my Hell with Him guiding me? I honestly dont know, But I do know Im going to ask for it. And what Father, when his child asks for food, would give him a stone instead?

The Dead Dog

I saw something so sad yesterday.

I was driving to some coffee shop and I stopped at a red light. At the intersection in front of me, I saw this dog walking so slow, like it may have been injured, or was just really old. I felt bad, I wanted to feed it some of the Double Cheeseburges I had. I didnt know what I could do, so when the light turned green, I just drove off.

Not to far down the road, I saw another dog dead in the lane next to me. Must have gotten hit by a car. And then I realized that the other doggie was sad, because he just lost a friend. I dont know why, but this whole transaction really upset me. Of course its sad, but it made me think of a lot of things.

One, what could I have done? Honestly, not to much. When I saw the first dog, the sad one, I just wanted to feed him, and pet him, make him feel loved. But I did nothing. And then when I saw the dead dog, and realized that the other doggie was sad because of this, I again did nothing.

It makes me think of how I walk through this life. I see a lot of things that hurt me so bad. When I hear stories of abused children, I get so sad, but I do nothing. I almost dont want to hear these stories or see any of the real life events, because it hurts to bad. I dwell on it for to long. But by turning a blind eye to the world around, I am doing no good. I was given such a caring heart, that even cares for sad dogs on the streets and yet I let it go to waste. I hide from the "saddness" in the world and do nothing to help. And thats wrong.

I guess I realize I need to get over that shit and stop wasting my hearts tears. Theres so much I could be doing, with children, the homeless, even friends, and yet I do nothing. I really hope I can learn from this situation and stop being such a waste of space towards it. Im not saying Im going to join the Peace Corps or anything... Lord knows I wont do that, but I can definately help the world before me. Theres so much to be done.

It Wont Always Be Like This

"It wont always be like this". A phrase I have been uttering ever since I can remember. That phrase is a hymn of undying hope to me. Its something Ive always believed, it wont always be like this.

Life is wierd right now. Im very happy! I love being alive, and I am blessed with so many great friends. My spirits are Very high, however I am faced with some great challenges. A fire has recently wiped out the majority of my belongings, 27 years of crap. I was fortunate enough to have taken with me all my clothes, important documents/letters, pictures and my guitar. Everything else is for the most part gone. Im ok with that, but it puts me in one hell of a financial bind. I was going to sell my bed, couch and dresser. The money I would have gotten from that would have gone to the purchase of new stuff. But thats gone now, along with the deposit on the house we were renting. And with student loans conveniently kicking in, its applying some great pressure.

So my bank account is hurting, and as a result, I have had to cut back on spending. After analyzing my budget, Gas and Food are the two variable costs that I can afford to cut down on. I now drive only when I have to, and I eat... well, never.

It wont always be like this. I am blessed with a job that feeds me one Free meal a day. And I can usually get some other snack food at the job before I go. And thats about all I eat. I work overnight shifts, and I get off around 7:00am. I have spent the probably 6 of my past 8 days in bed, from 8:00am til 10:00pm at night. I sleep through my hunger. I sleep through the potential of wasting money on gas or other costs. And unfortunaltely, thats my life for now. Work and sleep.

I told my self I would never work at Applebees again... I just applied yesterday, gotta do what you gotta do to survive, even if it means two jobs. Instead of forcing myself to sleep all day, atleast I could be making more money and be able to eat atleast one more meal a day. I am prepared to work as many hours as needed to survive.

I really am ok tho. Im happy. I know how to survive, and I KNOW it wont always be like this. I will look back one day on what it took for me to get there, and I will smile and be proud of All the obstacles I have had to overcome. It has been one hell of a life, and many people have written me off as a lost cause. But I know me, God knows me, and I know Im gunna make it, and I know he'll always take care of me. My life has a crazy way of being absolutely Insane, but working itself out just fine.

Crazy thing is though, I have been having a TON of dreams about the house I used to live in back in Florida. The Hell house, the one I was raised, starved and beaten in. I think going to bed hungry, and sleeping through the hunger is triggering the old feelings of when I used to do this on a daily basis, for like 6 years. Its kind of crazy how this feeling of hunger is tied so close to my childhood. Anywho, I dont like dreaming about the old house, I hated it there, and I want to be rid of that place for good.

But thats where Im at. Im just surviving. But Im still happy, thank God. I see life for the good in it, the friends I have, the friends Im making, the love I can share. Life is good. I really do know Ill make it to the top. And I know with all my heart, it wont always be like this.

Home Is Where The Heart Is

I miss home. Home to me has never been so much a place, but a feeling.

The one thing I always wish I had is a place to come home to, a bedroom. When I go back to Florida to visit high school friends, its always cool to see my friends old rooms. I wish I had that, a place that I could go back to, that was mine. I dont have that, I dont have a physical place to call home. But what I have always had since then is that feeling of home.

Home to me is the feeling of safety, love. I would feel it at places like Applebees when I used to work there. I would feel it at the Shack when I used to go there. I feel it when Im with my friends. I miss that feeling.

As much as I love it here, Its not home yet. I probably picked one of the worst times to move away from home, with all the girl drama going on. So life has been really wierd, kind of missing taste... I feel kind of numb to it all, its hard to explain. All I know is that I miss home a lot. I miss hookah, I miss Coors Light Nights on the Front Porch, I miss a real House Church, I miss the feeling of Solid Community, I miss conversations of deep meaning, I miss Erin and Alison being so close, I miss Shanes crazy ass laugh, Laura's amazing smile, Bob Days oversized luggage, Hugos jokes, Bruce shitting on my clothing, Goatfeathers, the Horseshoe... I just miss that feeling of home.

If times were not so tough, I know Id be ok. But I know I miss home, I miss my homies... Thats why they are called homies because they are home.... I cant back that up...

So yeah, Ill be home soon. I miss home.

Lord Give Me A Sign

I really need to talk to you Lord,
Since the last time we talked,
The walk has been hard,
Now I know you havnt left me,
But I feel like I'm alone,
I'm a big boy now,
but I'm still not grown,
And I'm still going through it,
The pain and the hurt,
soaking up trouble like rain in the dirt,
And I know only I can stop the rain,
with just the mention of my saviors name.


I really like this, and I really miss the big guy, but Ive got some major beef with him.

Hmmmm

So I was wearing my suit out in town after work the other day and some guy asked me if I was a Lawyer. At first, I was kind of proud, I thought I looked professional or something... But then I realized he just might have been calling me an Asshole...

Hmmmm...

Big Easy-ish

Well its just over 2 weeks since Ive been here in the Nola, aka New Orleans. I really like it here so far, i think its been a great choice. Adjusting has been easier than I expected. I miss my homies, but Im ok here, and Im starting to meet new peeps.

One thing I will complain about here is the roads. They are horrible and confusing. Aside from the fact that theres potholes the size of Montana everywhere, all the roads are one way, and Never the direction I need to be heading. I was leaving work last week, and I was taking the Same damn road I take home every night after work when this cop started yelling at me (10 bucks says he smelled marijuana... F-April). It turns out that the road I kept taking was a One Way, and it wasnt the direction I had been driving.

I also hate the Toll Booth before the Bridge near downtown. Theres only one damn lane for people with Cash, and like 50 lanes for the speed pass thing, which I dont have. Ive ran that toll booth 3 times now, only once on purpose. I think it takes a picture of your license plate each time you run it, (mine by the way is expired, which compliments my lack of Drivers Licence very well).

Speaking of picture taking, if you run a red light here, they have these auto-camera's set up to take a snap shot of your licence plate... Ive gotten one of those pictures too, And I hope it has amazing focus and clarity to zoom in on my expired tags. I think I hate driving here...

Other than that, I love it here. Im actually thinking about Grad School here in the Spring, and possibly Fall if I get some crazy amazing Italian/Irish Car Bomb Scholarships or something... If Im ever rich, I am going to have a scholarship set up specifically for Irish Carbombs... Ill work it out. Anywho, so yeah, Grad School, I think Im going for Accounting. Ill be getting more info next week.

Anywho, thats all for now, Im at work, should be working. I love my friends very much, I am blessed, peace.

Where Im At

Well lets see, where am I? Life is good, I do love my life. But its tough right now, so tough. I dont think Ive had a day since 2 Wednesdays ago where I didnt cry. I havnt been able to sleep without medication in about 3 weeks, and I havnt eaten more than once a day but maybe 4 times in 3 weeks as well... I got my heart broken... Well, more like drop-kicked into oblivion, thats prolly more like it.

So I gave up on Seattle for the time being. Its funny how life throws curves. I was 5 days away from heading out west, next thing I know, Im pouring my heart out to a girl and I get rejected, devastated... suck.

I hurt pretty bad, I wont lie, pretty damn bad. But Ive got amazing friends, and they help see me through. Ive been so caught up in heartache that I forgot about the rest of my life, that whole Job thing. Ive decided its best that I stick around for a bit, kind of heal up with my friends, and stay out of trouble. At the same time, Im ready to get out of Columbia, kind of move on with my life, and perhaps most important at this point, escape the memories I walk around in every day. I try to keep myself busy, just doing crap, to keep my mind off things. I went to the mall, and forgot there were memories there too, damn you Thomas Kinkaid, painter of light my ass.

Anywho, So Im thinking about moving to New Orleans, Charleston, and last case scenario, staying right here in Columbia for another year. I need to be by close friends at this point. I literally cry when Im alone all day. I hate being alone right now. Im afraid of it actually, because Im consumed by thoughts and memories.

Anywho, on a positive note.... Im back... Oh Im fucking back all right, Tony is back. I found my strength again... The Tony who laughs at the shit life throws him and stands again to fight, is back.

I was out at a local restaurant/bar with all my friends just 1 day after heartbreak, and I was just so happy to be with my friends. I saw how blessed I was. And through my absolute pain, I held up my wine glass and said "Im Anthony Alessandro, and I Fuckin LOVE my Life!".... And I do. I know Ill be ok. I know life wont always be like this. I know Ill move on, I know in time, all will be ok. I have my hope back. It was missing for so long, but I found it, I must have left it in the depths of my soul, cuz thats where I found it. I love who I am. I love and trust myself. Its been a while since Ive felt that way. Life is good, tho its Tough as HELL now, I know ill be ok. Im a fucking fighter. I fought through so much in life... random beatings and starvation, sleeping behind dumpsters on cold rainy days, being so hungry that I ate notebook paper, food out of trash cans and off of peoples plates when I was a dishwasher. I should have failed high school, but I took night classes and passed, graduated. Then I was a Marine, a freakin United States Marine who served Honorably for 4 years. I then single handedly put myself through college on my on dime, without anyone pushing or guiding me along. I went through hellish semesters of heartache and trauma from my roommates suicide, and I STILL made it. I didnt make excuses and just stop, or drop out, I fought harder and I graduated. Ive been through SO MUCH in this life, and a broken heart wants to slow me down?!?!? Fuck That!!! Oh no no, Tonys back. Im going to be ok, and it feels so good to have my strength back.

Though life is So tough now... through tears, pain, endless nightmares, no sleep or food... Im ok with life, It Is Well With My Soul. Im Tony, and Im going to be ok no matter what, because Im Tony Alessandro.

Ugh

Im only here cuz I cant sleep. I tried Not using any form of sleeping aid (Nyquil, Sleeping Pills) tonight. I went to bed around 12:30ish, but woke up at 3:00am with immediate anxiety. Im glad my dreams are at least peaceful.

Sometimes I wake up from bad dreams and I when I realize it was just a dream, I have this great feeling of relief. Shew. Now days, its completely opposite. Ill wake up, feeling so upset, and I THINK its because of a dream... but then I realize that its my reality that sucks. Man, life is not fun right now.

Theres a lot going on, so much stress at once. I dont know if Im ready to be leaving yet, I feel like I need my homies more than ever now, but i cant afford to stick around any longer. Im 90% sure Im leaving Monday.

Anywho, other than the constant stress no sleep thing, life is great! It really is, I have so much to be thankful for, I wish I could truley experience it tho, taste it, feel it. One day, hopefully soon.

I travel to Charleston tomorrow, well, today actually. Like in 6 hours. Im excited to see my friends, I love them very much.

Witts End

My heart has been hurting for some time now, I dont fully understand why. Life is so insanely stressful, sometimes I dont know what the hell I am doing. Im so torn in so many places and Im beyond stressed out. I havnt slept well in ages it seems. I cant sleep now, and I dont want to lie in bed and submit to my thoughts.

Should I move? Why am I moving? Is it for me, or for you? Who am I living for, what am I living for? Me? I dont even know, I really dont... i really dont.

I have so many choices to make in such a short time frame, I need answers, I need to make decisions... Why is this so tough.

I just know that I hate living like this. I want this bleeding in my heart to stop, so bad. I want my thoughts to be free, and not on the same two damn things all the god-damn time (using a lower case "g" allows me to say god-damn without using the lords name in vein... or atleast thats how I justify it).

Ive been in Seattle for a week now, its been busy, but goodish. My mind isnt here tho. My friend keeps asking me "Tony, you alright", because Im constantly spacing out, thinking of the stress of moving and a seemingly bottomless heartache. What the fuck is wrong with me, why do I still hurt from this, what the absolute fuck is going on.

Im just bitching out loud, and I admit, it kinda feels good to let it all out. But I just want peace so bad, Im such a troubled soul right now. I will say, on the plus side, that even tho my life is admittingly shitty at this point, not to-to much to be thankful for (im unemployed, cant find a decent job, and Im broke as hell) Im staying out of trouble, and somehow, my faith in God (see, uppercase "G") has increased. Im clinging to the hem of His garment and Im not letting go damnit...

But a fall is coming, I can feel it. I had a moment of weakness tonight, and Im setting myself up to be hurt again. Maybe Im being pessimistic, but I feel pain coming. And this kind of pain goes straight to the core, and rips and tears, and fucks with my life incredibly well.

I do want to say that altho I am having an awful time in life now, I am so thankful for the friends I have. Both back in Cola and out here. I realized tonight that I am blessed. I always look for "blessings" in the form of material things that I think I need, like money and a car that has a working clutch that might actually retain oil and have a driver side window that rolls up and down... I realized tonight that I am Blessed with great friends, I cant help but Thank God for that, i wouldnt be here this far in life without great friends. So I think I need to lean on my friends more (tho its hard for me to share emotional things with them), it would make life taste sweeter, or actually, just taste again. Its been so long since ive tasted life for anything other than bitter, and Its been so long since I could sleep, and I know that sleep is not coming anytime soon.

Afraid of the Dark

I just realized that I am afraid to be alone with my thoughts.

Its 4:43am. Ive been doing a crazy internet job search for the past few hours, Im tired. Im not tired enough to sleep tho. Ive already looked at all of the sports scores, checked my email 50 times, and have read about a 17 year old trying to break the record for crawling a mile the fastest.

I thought about shutting my computer down, but I couldnt. I felt like a child stalling bedtime or something, not quite wanting to go to bed yet, and I know why, I dont like my thoughts.

Some hurt, some are stressful, some are good, most are bad. Im going though a crazy time right now, so much is in the air. I dont know where I will be living in the next few months. I dont know what the hell is up with my heart, why does it still hurt. I dont know why im haunted by dreams of abandonment by loved ones, my biggest fear/pain. Im a mess. I just wish SOMETHING would fall into place, like my job situation, PLEASE God land me a good job, good enough to eat and pay the bills. After that I could prolly sort through things a bit better.

Well, Ive stalled long enough, time to put the scared little Tony to bed.

Tears For A Stranger

I read something that absolutely broke my heart today.

A friend of mine found a note Saturday at the Shack (my Campus Ministry). It was folded up and stuffed into the crevice of the door. The note read as follows:

"My best friend is very ill. She is My only true friend in The world. Please pray for her. She is the only truly kind, wholly good thing I've every encountered in my life. Please pray for her."

Inside the folded up note was a small picture of a dog, mans best friend.

This made me cry SO Hard while praying for this stranger. It absolutely breaks my heart that a dog, though beautiful creatures, is this persons only true friend, the only good thing they have ever encountered... Such a sad and heartbreaking statement, it truly brings tears to my eyes as I type this now.

In a way its so sad because I can relate, Ive walked around for so long missing out on love. And I feel this person does not feel loved as well. My heart completely goes out to this stranger, and their pet. I wish them both to be ok, and I do pray that this persons friend recovers from her illness.

I hate that people have to walk this earth brokenhearted. I thank God that I heard this cry for help, and I PRAY that I can somehow get into contact with this person, and just show them love, or help them to understand that they are loved. And I also want to pray for their doggie too. This was so, so sad. God please be with this Stranger, and please dont take this Strangers only true friend. :(

Priceless

When I was a kid, my Aunt would always tell me I was "priceless". I never really understood what that meant, I mean, I knew it had to be a compliment of some sort, but it just seems to me that something special should be worth something. For example, a remote control car (which is what I thought about as being valuable, when I was a kid) went for like $60 bucks back then, Wouldnt it be better if she said I was worth $60 bucks, or even up it to a cool Million? That way its Worth something.

While listening to an R Kelly song a few weeks ago (dont laugh), another form of "priceless" came up. When R Kelly was describing how he felt about some girl, he said the feeling was like "a prescious jewel with no price tag". Even up till a few weeks ago I was still stumped on what the hell priceless meant. I never really got it, that is until I found I had a price, to someone near.

My most recent relationship ended due to conflicting Futures. Long story short, she joined the Peace Corps (or piece of Shit corps, for short) and thinks that we can do long distance for 2 years, I on the other hand think that 2 years apart (that is Morocco and the United States) is not a good idea. So what should happen? Compromise. And my compromise was this, Wait until I can pay off a few debts, and I will go with you, even though I never really wanted to do the Peace Corps at this stage in life. Her response, no. If she waited for me to go, she would lose her spot to work in Morocco... So there it is, theres my price. I am worth less to her than an opportunity to go to Morocco... I was willing to meet her in the middle, she was willing to say goodbye. Shit hurts.

And I fought so hard over the past month not to feel worthless, not to put my worth as a human in the hands of another person, not to let this whole shitty ordeal weigh on me so much, but I failed. Its hard when youve had a life like me not to take it personally, and not to think "what is it about Me thats worth giving up"? "Why am I so easy to get rid of"? "What am I doing wrong"?

I just dont get it... I know this is a bit whiney and all, but I unfortunately have days like these when history repeats. I always find myself trying to be more valuable to people who are valuable to me, trying to make them love me more, when they just dont, or cant. I spent a whole year dating someone who would not fight for me, who never loved me for who I was. I had a hard time believing that it wasnt my fault, and days like these, I just wonder if something in me causes that. To be so easy to dispose of. Not worth fighting for. Not worth some sacrifice. Not worth food. Not worth taking care of. Not worth Compromise...

I feel cursed sometimes. And I guess some of it is my fault, I really do put myself in Unwise situations, but life has been tough as hell thus far. I just want peace. I want a restful period where shit fuckin flies right. Where its not stressful, where I feel loved, where I am worth being with, where I am Priceless...

At this point, I really am so discouraged, I dont feel Ill ever attain that. I hate believing that, but Im running out of hope here. I hope this is just a phase, because my resilience has always gotten me through. I really hope I dont lose that. I know Ill be ok, I just need to get over the hurt, and try not to rebound. Thats the plan anyways.

On a side note. Columbia is absolutely beautiful when it rains.

The Gay Discount

And just when I thought my life couldn’t possibly reach any new lows, I amaze myself.

So, I work with this guy at Applebee’s, he's gay, that’s cool, we're friends. We get on the topic of hair care (because I’ve been trying to grow my hair out and I dont know what to do with it, and when I go to work and cant wear a hat to hide my hair, it looks like a poofy drunken Italian toupee).

Anywho, he gives me the name of his hairstylist, who is also gay, and tells me that this guy is really good. He also tells me, that he gives a Gay Discount...

Now, I know what your thinking... so stop. This looks like a bad story, but bear with me, it's not as bad as this possibly could be.

Anywho, a normal priced haircut at this place goes for $20, with the Gay Discount my friend says, it's only $15. Now, I’m kinda on the broke side, and my awful hair is getting out of control, so I figure, hey.... lets go for the discount!

I call him. I put on a friendly/girly (not Too girly) voice, tell him I was referred to him by a friend, and just chit chatted away. I made an appointment for 7:30pm. The first stage was complete.

As I’m typing this, I realize I’m SO awful... I cant believe I acted Gay for a discount... Anywho, I get there and make girly chat, like you do. He kept asking me why I was so nervous (probably because I’m a straight man faking gay for a 5 dollar discount). He asked me if I was married, and I said "No"... And it was here when I lost it. He then said "Well then, there are a couple of other questions which can follow this, but we can wait till our second appointment before asking that".

And I knew it, it was the question to see if I was gay... I sat in silence for a sec, deciding what to do... I had 3 Options: A) Come clean and tell him about my girlfriend. B) Lie and say I’m gay. C) Just keep quiet and hope the bad man goes away.

I chose C. I changed the subject to Kevin Bacon and the Art Bar. I felt as if my cover was blown. And MAN did I feel horrible. What was I doing? Am I leading him on? Is this a Lie? Is this a SIN?.... Oh man, so yeah, I started getting nervous, but never letting down my girly side.

The haircut finished. We walked towards the register. The moment of truth was at hand. Was I gay enough to get the discount???....

"Okay, that'll be $15 please" (Yessssssssss!)

I had never felt so uncomfortable leaving a haircut before in my life. I actually felt, well, creepy. I pretended to be gay for a freakin 5 dollar discount... how lame is that... it was a nice haircut tho, I really like it... its a shame I can never go back.

The Jesus Drug

Ya know, Im kinda getting tired of people telling me how Jesus is going to make my life better, guaranteed to make run faster and jump higher, like some sort of Spiritual Viagra. (Warning, persons experiencing spiritual highs more than 4 hours should seek immediate medical attention).

But seriously tho, I dont like hearing about this Jesus drug that I need to take, and make everything better. I get uncomfortable when people talk to me like that, I really dont like it. Its not that I doubt our Lord and Saviors powers or anything like that, I just dont think thats what Jesus is here for, to provide me with all the things on this earth that I (keyword I) think make Me (note this word too) happy. Sounds kinda selfish. I dont think he gives a damn when I pray for the Mets to win one DAMN game against one of the Worst teams in the majors (Yes, a Mets win would Definitely make me Very Happy).

I guess what Im getting at is this, I think we are mis-using Jesus. He came for a purpose, to save our souls, and show us the way. He didnt come down here with puppies, candy, beer and balloons for everyone. He came here with some tough news. Basically that we are F'd, and need to turn from the crap we are doing, and hey, love eachother for my dad's sake! (He wasnt using the lords name in vain there).

I believe thats were people fall sometimes, when they put Jesus in charge of their personal happiness. And when they are not happy, then surely, Jesus is failing them, and they turn their backs on him. Well, no. Jesus is not responsible for our happiness, he's already died for us, I think he's done enough.

This is not meant to offend anyone, I hope it hasnt. This is only my current opinion of this matter as I continue seeking for truth.

What Came First? The Chicken, The Egg, Or My Retarded Ass

True story.

Ok, so Im tired, really tired. Pulled an all-nighter studyin for a History test, did pretty good by the way. Anywho, heres the take-away, Im tired...

After my test, I decide to make breakfast. I was hungry, I wanted something relatively fast, and with very little effort to prepare. I figured hey, hard boiled eggs, you put em in water, give em a few, then your done, or so I thought.

A minute or so into to the egg heating process, I start hearing, and I shit you not, chirping noises coming from the pot with the eggs in it... I stopped for a second, taking into account that Im F'n tired and might be a little crazy. But no, there was definately chirping coming from my pot of eggs... wtf.

I tried to convince my tired mind that it was phyiscally impossible for a baby chic to be in one of my eggs that has been in the fridge for over a month... But I couldnt help but think I was witnessing a modern miracle of science. I was hatching an egg on my stove top!

I then decided that I Was crazy, and the chirping noises must be coming from outside, after further inspection, I realized yet again that the chirping noises were coming from inside the pot. Then I did the stupidest thing you could possibly do with near boiling water... Put the pot next to my ear to Listen for the chirping noises. Yeah, dumb idea. In the process of putting the pot of hot water to my head, I forgot to keep the damn thing level, and I ended up pouring hot water all over myself. What the F man... Anywho, that hurt, but all is well, it wasnt boiling yet.

So I set take the damn pot off the burner. I gave into my stupid/sensative side and decided to make scrambled eggs (in case there was a chickey inside, I didnt want to cook him or her alive). I cracked the eggs open carefully, and lo and behold, there was no chickey.

Note to self: When I am tired, I am F'n Retarded.

Fools Gold

... Every few months or so, I cant help but ask myself the same F'n question... What the Fu*k is wrong with me?... Seriously.

Now I made a promise to myself that I wouldnt complain on my blog anymore, but it's been a rough week for me, so I'm treating myself to one round of bitching!

As always, theres about 84 things going on to add stress to my life. I need 15 more problems to catch up with Jay-Z. Anywho, Im pissed off at life. It dosnt make sense. Why is it the children that suffer?

I hate how parents can abuse their children physically, metally, or even sexually, and then carry on as if nothing happened. Meanwhile, 20 years later, the children carry around so much baggage, so much pain, so many insecurities that can potentially damgage future relationships. It dosnt make sense. I dont feel sorry for myself about the baggage, Ive always considered myself blessed to have gone through what I did, however I am upset about 2 things. 1. Seeing my friends suffer, and 2. seeing how easily people can walk around in lies.

Why do the children suffer... It dosnt make sense. Some of my really good friends are emotional wrecks because of stuff they have NO control of... It dosnt make sense, its not fair... F-you life!

And Im so mad at the people who live in lies, who can justify their actions, who think that they somehow are right in treating someone so badly. They live their lives as if they did no wrong... How... Im mad at you.

This is whats killing me... And Im called to love these people... Now it's ME, who wants to justify a hateful hurt, it's ME who has every right to be mad, it's ME who wants to leave these people for dead... But it is also me who is called to forgive.... Shit, that is SO hard. Ive been stepped on time and time again. Ive extended myself , only to be taken advantage of...

Forgive.

I dont want to, man its so easy to hate, but it takes a man to love.

So my heart is torn. I know in time, I will be ok. But I need to heal on a good foundation. I dont want that foundation to be hate. I know that living in hate does not allow room for growth, hence a week of feeling dead inside.

Anywho. My pastor Garrett preached tonight about the past. It was really good. It sucks that I have to bear these scars. But I do. Im really scared about the consequences of my past actions. Is that why I am having problems now? I dont know. I hope to bear my scars with love, instead of a burning rage.

And I hope that those who live in lies can wake up. I dont understand how you can be happy living in lies, its fools gold. Acknowledge what you did, and bear your scars as well. Ill work on the forgiveness, either way.

1-2-3-4 United States Marine Corps

Two quotes have come to mind while lying awake in bed:

"Sometimes theres bad days, and even bad years, when this happens, just go back to the basics".

"God was here before the Marine Corps, so you can give your heart to Jesus, but your ASS belongs to the Corps".

I remember from bootcamp when we first started PTing (Physical Training), they told us they had to break us down first, by doing insane amounts of physical exercises, so they can build us up.

My heart over the past year, bad year, has been destroyed. It has been completely broken, shattered in pieces. Ive been feeling sorry for myself as of late, allowing myself to be hurt because of this. But Im missing the blessing in disguise... Im being rebuilt, stronger, better, with more refined and wiser love to give. My heart has been given to Jesus this time, with the Marine Corps permission of course, my foundation is set in the Rock, not a human, not a woman.

It sucks to have to hurt like this, it sucks to be wronged and hurt by someone, and all you can do is get over it... But theres growth in this, though it is tough, I will be stronger in the end, for my next significant other, for my wife, for myself.

So, going back to the basics again, Im broken down, but the pieces are being assembled with a love that I cant even comprehend.

Dating 111 - The First Date Prep (Part 2)

Once again inspired by the world around me, I bring to you part two of my four part series on Dating.

So last time we talked, which was almost a year ago, we went over some basic approach and hygiene techniques when asking a girl out. This next portion focuses on what to do from here.

Ok, we've got the digits (and for you white people, that means "phone number") now what? Ok first you must abide by the "2-day rule". The 2-day rule simply states that upon receiving a girls (or guys) phone number you must wait a minimum of 2 full days before calling her. There are good reasons for this rule, which I will explain:

If you call in the same night you receive her number, you are basically saying "Hi, Im horny and just want sex, Oh, and I may stalk you!"

If you call within the first 2 days, you are showing signs of desperateness, which is completely unattractive.

Now you must be careful not to wait to long, interests will die down if you procrastinate on the phone call, also, you can come across as cocky or even playeresque, which is not good.

Ok, so now that we understand the 2-day rule, lets talk about the call. This is crucial. You must have the following things worked out Prior to the call.

1. What you are going to say.
2. Where you are going to go on your date.
3 Your exit strategy (how you plan on ending the conversation)
4. A message to leave in the event her voice mail picks up.

Ok, nothing is more creepy than a first date caller calling more than once to get a hold of you. If she does not answer the phone, you must leave a voicemail and leave it at that. Do NOT keep calling, once again, that is very creepy.

Now, dependant upon your interpersonal skills, you might not want to engage in a long conversation on the first phone call. First dates can be pretty stressful, so save some of the easy questions for the date (School/Job info, crap like that).

When deciding what to do on the first date, heres a few helpful tid-bits.

No dinner and a movie. How lame, you want to do something where you and your date can engage in good conversation. No point in spending money on a movie if your date sucks. I went on a date a year or two ago with this chick, lets call her Mary. Took her out for coffee, it was the worst date ever. She was so lame, and an athiest at that. Now, theres nothing wrong with athiests, there just not what I want in a significant other. So anywho, moral of the story is, for the price of one cup of coffee, I was able to determine that this date was going nowhere, not to bad.

So yeah, I reccomend a comphy little place where talking is easy, nothing loud like a concert. Once this is all hammered out, its time for the big date, which will be discussed at length, in the 3rd part of my 4 part series on dating. Good luck to all you new daters out there!

A Penny For Your Thoughts

I think we are all so much more valuable than we give ourselves credit for... well, some of us anyways. Theres always those few people, or as the Marine Corps would say "that 10%", that think they are more important than the rest of the world. But it is to the 90% I speak.

Ive really grown up with the belief that I was stupid, and that I was worthless. I HATED answering questions or talking in class, because I automatically assumed what I had to say was wrong or stupid. These feelings began in elementary school... Gosh, that was years ago. Im 26 now and I am still dealing with those feelings of stupidity and worthlessness.

I was talking to a friend on the phone the other night, he was having a rough time and was asking for advice, which I provided. During this conversation he stopped and said "I dont know if you know this or not but you are really wise, I just thought you should know that". That compliment meant a lot... I really dont see myself that way. I still feel like what I have to say is crap, unintelligent... I feel like people are thinking I am stupid when Im talking.

Its so bad that I dont even give compliments to people as often as I should because I feel I am worthless. I feel like people wouldnt care what I thought because it was "Just Tony", no one important.

I believe a lot of people feel this way, Stupid, afraid to talk because of what other people May think of them. I use the word "May" because almost everytime we try to "guess" how people view us, its wrong. Im beginning to understand that people dont think Im stupid or worthless, those awful feelings are beggining to fall away. However, the bad habits of not speaking my opinion or complimenting people still carries over. Its like somewhere deep down, Ive accepted this "worthlessness and stupidity". I have to break those habits completely.

So yeah, guess what peeps, your not stupid, you are not worthless, you are beautiful and have so much value and worth in this world. We waste our gifts, our time, and our potential by giving into our insecurities. I wonder who I could have blessed, and what more I could have done if I had just believed better things of myself. I leave you with, what I feel, is an applicable quote.

"Your life is God's gift to you, what you do with your life, is your gift to God".

Dont waste it.

While I Got a Second

Been a busy week, im tired... Its almost over, 1 more day than a mini-sabatical. While I have a spare moment, I just wanted to say this:

I love my friends.

I am so blessed to have the amazing friendships I have in my life. I am blessed to have pure and innocent friendships with members of the opposite sex. I am blessed that I have people I can engage in deep conversation with, talk about matters of my heart and life, and not just surfacy things. I am blessed to have friends who have seen the ugliness of my heart, and love me anyways, because I try.

I thank God that I have always had amazing friends. I may not have much of a family life, but I wouldnt trade what I have for anything in this world. Life has been tough, but it has made me into who I am, I wouldnt change a thing.

I love my homies. God Bless.

I Wanna Be In The Light

Im in a tough spot within my own heart and soul. What am I doing... Its been a rough few days... Then the words came to me like... something that comes to you when you really need it! Dont laugh, but the words came from an old DC Talk song, In the light... I smiled, I will quote these words for you:

Tell me whats going on inside of me?
I Despise my own behavior,
This only serves to confirm, my suspicions,
That I'm still a Man in need of a Savior.

Gosh ya'll, Im such a selfish human being... I took what I wanted. I love others, and yet I use them, I despise that so much... Selfish. What was I doing? Being selfish... It hurts. What was I thinking... I was trying to take a precious treasure, one that was not mine to take, one I had no room for anyways... Selfishness.

I am so far from perfect, and It's days like these that remind me of this. Good news however. Spiritual Growth is occuring... I AM in need of a Savior, I cant do this on my own, I really Suck on my own. Once again, Its spiritual endurance I need. Times suck, Im being hard on myself, but Im pressing on, no giving up, no turning back. I wanna be in the light, pure, honest and truley treating my brothers and sisters out of love.

Special Thanks DC Talk for such an awesome CD. Jesus Freak rocks man, hop on that stuff!

You Cant Handle the Truth

Truth hurts. Truth can be uncomfortable and sometimes unbearable. It is because of this that people cant handle the truth, even when they ask for it. I should know, Im one of those people.

I was completely disheartened today. Last night I hurt my friends feelings by telling her my true feelings about her relationship. In hindsight, I should have been more careful with my words. Using the honest approach, I told her how I felt, and though she asked me my honest opinion and it was not meant to hurt, it did. Now she's upset with me and Im upset to have upset her.

I also tried to rebuke a friend on their sarcasm, which I received another sarcastic remark for. Later that same night, I tried calling a friend out on what I felt was a bitter heart... Once again, I hurt someone elses feelings, and this person turned cold on me...

I just feel so bad, I feel what Im doing is right. I only speak the truth and rebuke because I care, because these are my friends and I care about them and their hearts. We are called to rebuke, and sharpen eachother... I just dont see why theres such stiff resistance, and a quickness to rub in my faults as a reason for doing bad.

Im going to give Matt Carrowan the credit here for this one, he said "If you have to Justify what you are doing with someone elses Sin, thats just wrong". So wise, so true.

I also cant be prideful in thinking that I am Right. I may be completely wrong with my views here, this is something I have to pray more about. But right now it does feel right to be honest, and to not lie or plead the fifth, as one friend told me to do. No way. Im sorry, but I love you to much to lie to you. I know it hurts, but just know that I love you, and Im only honest because I care... If I didnt care, Id lie to you, then talk bad about you when your not around!

So yeah, what have I learned today? People only want the Truth that they want to hear. People really dont want to be held accountable. Humans are defensive by nature when it comes to being rebuked. Our community is not used to rebuke. Changes need to be made.

I hate the fact that I hurt peoples feelings, I dont like this at all. But what am I gunna do... I wanna just appease everyone and drop my opinions and just move on, but thats worthless, thats so fake and empty. I think Ill re-read my blog on spiritual endurance and just keep on keepin on.

I love you, and Im sorry if I hurt any of you. I am far from perfect, and far from being the most tact person in the world, Lo siento to all those who I have pissed off or hurt in the past 24 hours, I really am sorry, It's only cuz I care.

Fatherhood

No, I havnt gotten anyone pregnant... I hope... (kidding)

I was having coffee with a friend today, and she said something Ive heard a million times in my life, give or take twenty thousand...

"Your going to be a good Father"

I hope so, but to be honest, Its one of my biggest fears. I didnt have the best role model of a father, no offense Dad if your out there. And the fact that I see some of his negative traits coming out of me is scary as hell-o.

I really think I'll be ok, I am nothing like him in many ways, which is good. I guess its best to work on my negative traits now, while there is no Tony junior out there, that I know of.

So anywho, I met up with with Ryan, Blur, Cinday and Danny Glendinininining at Frankies Fun Park. I arrived late, and they were all in the middle of a round of put put which I went and observed. It was kinda cold out, So I was just watching them play with my hands in my jacket pockets. I look over and see two boys trying to put put, and right behind them, was their father, watching them both play, with his hands in his jacket pockets... I thought of that father comment earlier... I looked over at my four "kids" playing put put... Ok, so it was a stretch, but I did compute it like such, not that I feel like Ryan, Blur, Cindy and Danny are my kids or anything, but I saw myself doing things with my kids, taking them places, taking joy in watching them have fun, and just enjoying life, just as I was just watching my friends play put put.

I know this was random, but fatherhood is such a fear of mine. I used to pray everynight as a child to Not be like my dad. When I was in the Marines, I worked a second job for the sole purpose of saving money for my future family, I didnt wanna be poor and hungry like we were... (although I did save close to four thousand dollars, I used about eighty percent of my second job income on alcohol! Those were the good ole days.. I think...)

Tho it is terrifying, I really believe I will be a good daddy. I wont be perfect, but lord knows ill try.

You've GOT To Try The Salsa!

Man, I had fun tonight! I have to admit, Learning to Salsa is a lot of fun!!!

It was scary at first, much like any new thing you take on. I remember when I was going to start taking submission fighting classes. It was pretty intimidating to just jump in there and learn how to break peoples spines, then at the end, just start doing it.

But getting the courage to Salsa required courage of a different sort. For one, as much as Id love to say Im an Italian, I am white... meaning rythum does not come natural to me, no matter how long I lived with the Pureto Ricans. Also, there are OTHER people there who are NOT white who CAN dance and who WILL make me look stupid. Oh, and to top it all off, the place where the dance classes are is in a building with a beautiful view of Assembly street, meaning people can watch me make a fool of myself as they walk or drive by... talk about pressure.

But the scariness wares off, and it just becomes fun! They even toss you around with different parnters, which is scary at first, but wares off as well. I was blessed to have gone with an AMAZING partner! We had a lot of fun and laughs, good times! :)

I look forward to the weeks ahead! Ill be the 1st Italian White boy Salsa Champion in no time!

Spiritual Endurance

So I went to the ole house church last Sunday, it was really good. It was good to do church with my old friends, I missed sharing my life with them.

We went through a chapter in Acts, chapter 16 to be exact. During this chapter, Paul and his homie Silas were chillin in Macedonia when the met this chick named Lydia... Long story short, they cast out some demons from Lydia, this angered some people and Paul and Silas were pubically beaten and imprisoned. While sitting in prison, all bloodied and beaten, Paul and Silas began singing hymns and praying to God...

It didnt sink in until the end of church the importance of spiritual endurance, and the absolute lack of mine.

Dude, Paul and Silas were beaten up and rotting in prison becuase they were doing the Lords work... Technically, it was the Lords fault they were in there... yet they were singing praises and praying... wow.

I think of my life... (oh boy) and when times are tough, and when I feel I am doing the Lords work and I get burnt by it... How I react is far different, with an absolute Lack of Spiritual Endurance.

I give up. I use the excuse of being burnt by doing what is "right" to turn around and do something "wrong". I blame God for the misfortunes of my life. I dont pray, I complain. I dont sing, I curse. What the crap Tony. This is so far from what I used to be, from what I want to be.

So instead of sitting here and being hard on myself. Ill say that I recognize a need for change, and Im working on it. When times are tough, I will do as it says in 1st Thessalonians; "Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus".

Word.

I Believe In a Thing Called Love, Say It Aint So

Today, someone very close to me tried to hurt my feelings, they succeeded. It really upset me, really hurt my feelings... I exploded. A neighboring friend heard my explosion, asked me if I was ok, to which I replied honestly (no), and she took me for a drive, thanks Erin.

It really helped out a lot, just driving around and talking, and it really meant a lot. Its not everyday you hear someone yelling, then ask them to take a ride in your car. I am blessed for that, Erin really talked some sense into me, trouble is, a lot of people have tried talking sense into me, the hard part is the following through. This was discussed in our car trip, I think I got it this time... I dont ever want to be hurt like that again...

After talking with Erin, I packed my things and headed West-ish... Didnt really have any destination, just far, far away from here. I ended up taking some crazy backroads all the way to Aiken, when I decided that I didnt want to be alone, I called my homies. I texted my friend Brandon, who was still at work, my friend Danielle was there with him so she called me back. It was so Good to hear from her, shes one of my all time fav's. I decided to head back to civilization, I made record time from Aiken, topping speeds of over 110 miles an hour, getting back to Columbia in just over 45 minutes, it was kinda fun.

Me and my friends met up at our crap bar Calloways. It was good to hang out, we had our own Karaoke going on... even though there wasnt Karaoke going on... We put money in the jukebox and sang our hearts out to "I Believe In a Thing Called Love", by the Darkness, and "Say It Aint So" by Weezer. During those songs I laughed, not one of those surfacey laughs, but one from the soul... It felt so good... I love my friends!

Im still hurt and upset about earlier, but Ill get over it. And even though that person was so awful to me, I forgive her, not because I have to, but because I love her. Ill just have to learn from this experience and guard my heart better, no longer will I give that person that part of my heart, my life... I hope I can listen to Erin this time.

So thanks again Erin. And also thanks to Danielle, Brandon and Jesse, for providing me with a much needed laugh, and a place to stay. If its one thing I can say, its that God has blessed me with the most Amazing friends money cant buy. I am blessed to be in situations like these where I can realize this... Say it aint so!

Un Buen Tiempo! Feliz Ano Nuevo!

On the night of the last full day of our road trip, I write this:

Life is Beautiful...

I got to hold my little 4 month old niece... She was so beautiful, I almost cried while holding her. Im an Uncle Tony!!!

New Years was amazing. I brought down some homies from School (Matt, Megs and Kayla) to celebrate the new year with my family and friends. New Years day will always be a memorable day.

It started off in Palm Bay Florida, with Goodbyes to my friend Ace, aka Pookey, aka Carlos... Hes going to Iraq-a-stan for a year... again... From the Goodbyes it was hello's to my Grandparents. They made us lunch after they came home from church. We talked for a bit then I ditched my friends to take a quick shower at the Gmas house. When I came out of the shower, my friends were all outside picking tangerines with my Grandfather... It made me smile... Some of my best memories come from my Gma's house, with my Grandparents, and to get the opportunity to share and make more memories with value friends is priceless.

After picking Tangerines, my friend Kayla decided she needed to wash her hair and what not, so she went into my Grandmothers bathroom to do her thing... During this time, she managed to drop my most prized possession on this earth, (well, maybe not The most prized possession, but its up there) my Saint Christophers necklace, down the drain of the sink. I really wasnt worried about it, prolly because I knew Kayla was really upset by it, and cuz I didnt want to upset her more by being upset as well. Good news tho, my Grandfather constructed a hooking device from a coat hanger and I fished it out!!! I was relieved, poor Kayla was crying tho, to which my Grandfather told her that it was ok, and that he cries all the time too, he's a great man, I hope to be like him... only not bald.

From the Gma's in Palm Bay, we went to Orlando Florida to spend the New Years with my Puerto Rican Family... What a blessing to have them in my life, honestly, all the years of pain and suffering are worth it now, I get to share the rest of my life with some amazing people, who love me so much, and I them.

Oh, and the house we partied at was AMAZING!!! Wow, screened in back porch with a nice bar, swimming pool, spanish music playing all night, an amazing assortment of Puerto Rican food and drinks, I was in Heaven. It was so much fun hanging out with the fam and friends, meeting new people, and eventually, as the other partiers got more and more drunk, getting the courage to get up and dance! Yes, I Salsa'ed!!! I wasnt very good, but at 4am, it didnt matter. I had such a good time, what a blessing to be able to spend it with the friends and family I have.

Life is Beautiful.

I am currently in Tampa, visiting the Mom. Its been good! Today was a restful day ( we needed it after last night). We watched some movies and just hung out, it was good to be home, and rest.

Tomorrow we head back home, I dont wanna leave yet, but I suppose its time to get back to life... Its a New Year, I need to set and keep my goals, and just be happy... If anything, I just need to remember, that Life is Beautiful.

Life, is Beautiful.

A Whale of a Tale

Well, not quite.

I went to watch the meteor shower, which by the way consisted of 3 meteors, with a few friends the other night. I made a mistake along the way of telling my friends that when I was like 6 years old, I was on the beach in Maine with my family and my Uncle Rich picked me up to throw me in the water. I remember being absolutely TERRIFIED because at the time, I was afraid of Whales... I didnt want to be eaten by those big ass things, theyre Huge!!!

For some reason, this was funny to them... I dont really get it tho... Whales are huge, they have big teeth, and some even have the word Killer in their name! I know people who are afraid of plastic and styrofoam, now thats crazy, but Whales? C'mon, totally legit fear.

So anywho, yeah. I used to be afraid of Whales... Soooooooo, lets add that to the big board of "Embarrassing Things People Know About Me"!

Embarrassing Things People Know About Me
1. I was legally Gay for two weeks in junior high when I had a crush on the middle "girl" in Hansen... I swear I thought that was a woman and Boy was she hot!
2. In 1st grade I sat in front of a mirror at my Grandma's house for twenty minutes trying to bite my ear because someone told me if you make a "rainbow over your heart, you could bite your ear"... ( for those who dont know, you look like a retard, try it.)
3. In the Marine Corps, I had a dream I got raped by a transvestite, my body hurt when I woke up, I made the mistake of telling ONE friend, and my whole squadron knew by lunchtime...
4. I used to be afraid of Whales.

Dont Listen to the Moldy Doughnuts

I had my second conceling session today, it went well. We talked about my childhood and stuff like that. While in session, I had to tell my councelor how my dad didnt feed us, and when he got pissed he didnt buy us food for weeks, even months.

Through this, I recalled an event from childhood: One weekend before the beginning of a school year (I think it was in elementary school, not sure on the year) my Mom, Step-dad and little brother came over for the weekend to take us school shopping and what not. We stayed at a holiday inn on the beach, it was a pretty fun weekend. On the last day there, me and my little brother went to the lobby of the hotel where they had a free continental breakfast... It wasnt much of a spread, just coffee, milk, assorted cereal boxes and bags of mini-doughnuts... Im guessing the continent is Africa... Anywho, I ended up taking ALL the Freakin doughnuts I could stuff into my pockets and hands because I knew once this weekend was over I would go back to my dads where there would be no food.

I hid the doughnuts in my dresser drawers. I tried to use them sparingly so they would last longer. About a week later, I was in my room at night and decided it was time for dinner. I ripped open my last chocolate doughnut, devoured it, and moved to finish off the plain flavored doughnuts. While half way through eating the plain doughnut, I noticed that there was green mold all over my doughnut... I started to cry. Part of me was sad because I was so hungry and just wanted to eat... The other part of me was sad becuase this was my life... I was a bum, I was worthless, I was meant to live in this hell, I believed that no one loved me, I didnt deserve anything good, I felt defeated... I almost want to tear up typing this because I remember that night all to well... But at that point in my life, I believed I was worthless, below everyone else... I scraped off the green mold with my fingers and finished my doughnut, in tears.

It has taken years to erase the feeling of worthlessness, of feeling unwanted, unloved. My counselor, lets call her Kacey from now on, stopped me and said "Do you realize you have come a long way?"... I told her my friends and family says that a lot, and the truth is, I dont realize it yet to it's entire truth. But I really have... My beliefs, my thoughts... I think now on what I believed then and Im in awe... I was so wrong, people do love me, people do care, I DO have worth in this world, I am more than I give myself credit for. This didnt really hit me until about 20 minutes ago. I received a phone call from Gmo, a good friend and he really spoke into me. Then, while sitting up here at Wired Bean, Matt Jones, another friend from the shack, sister (who I just realized does not like being called Matt Jones sister, so lets call her Courtney) ran into me and asked me if I was Tony, to which I said yes. She said "hi" and she said that her brother speaks very highly about me and likes me (in a straight way) very much... I realized something... I am Something... I am not worthless, people do love me. This negative opinion I have of myself is a facade, I am loved, and I love my friends.

I have come along way, and yet theres so much more to go. I thank my friends for helping me in my struggles, sometimes the littlest thing goes the longest ways. God bless.