City beyond the Fog

I am a failure as a man and as a Christian... Those were hard words to admit to my friend, and even harder to admit to myself.

I dont fail much in life... (unless you count the 7 semesters of Spanish I back in junior high/high school... I swear none of those teachers liked me.... who needs that crap anyways.) Getting through the Marines was a huge confidence booster, then ONLY thing I EVER failed in ANY of my training was Daytime Land Navigation, which basically is walking around the woods with a compass trying to find the coordinates they give to you... I failed that, but that was because 3 days prior to us doing the Land Navigation, there was a hurricane which wiped out the "posts" we were searching for. Man, I remember that tore me up, I HATED failing. I was blessed with the opportunity to go back to those woods and actually complete the course (it was part of Sergeants course training). It felt good that NOTHING the Marines had to offer could stand in my way.

That failure was easy, but to fail a human, to not truly love them as God commands, and to hurt them because of this... is so painful.

My relationship with God was not strong enough, I was not strong enough to help out a friend in need. Theres so much guilt, regret, pain... I know God forgives, but Im whipping myslef to death over it. I am so sorry.

My own healing has begun. I too was hurt, and now I turn to God to help. I am so proud of myself, I am SO glad that its God I seek. My past experiences in dealing with pain involve alcohol, maybe a little bit of weed (never to crazy about the stuff) and women. I was by no means an alcoholic or man whore, but I sought comfort in both of those things. I see that to truly heal, is to turn to God, not any of the other things I used to do. I am happy for the state of my heart, even through the pain.

Speaking of which, I want to use my pain to glorify God. I talked to Matt Carrowan (or however you spell that... and thats #23 for those keeping count) about starting a guys group, with a primary focus on building Christian men and leadership characteristics. I look forward to that, I am blessed to be able to use my pain to help others, it gives me hope I guess...

I miss my house church, and I want to say thank you SO much for your love, I turned my back on you all and you loved me anyways, thanks. :)

Im by no means 100%, im still living in guilt and regret... I may never get a chance to change the hurt I caused my friend in the way I want to. And I guess thats life, sometimes all you have is one chance. So I encourage everyone to Love with all your heart, look and see what your doing to your neighbor, listen when they speak, and just Love and forgive as God instructs us to.

However, there is hope... And I know every waking day will be better, I look forward to growing into a man, a man of God. I wont fail again.

New York New York

Its time to start burning some Sinatra CD's for my trip, cuz Im going to New York!

I wasnt sure If I was going to, but I feel like the SOMETHING (maybe God?) is telling me to. Im in Florida now. On the trip down I saw near 50 'New York' license plates, and I saw a few trucks with 'New York' on the side. When I finally got to my hometown, I was on one of the main roads before my house, and I was right behind a New York license plate! THEN, I stop at Barnes and Noble for coffee, and I walk in and there, right in front of me is a book on "Wierd New York".... thats wierd... I finally get to where Im staying the night, at a friends house (my Puerto Rican Family) and Im just chillin playing some video games, and the opening scene of this stupid game was in New York. Crazy! Then TODAY, Im going to the beach, boom, another New York License plate! I told myself that "If I saw ONE MORE thing New Yorky, Im going"... and there it was, the New York Eatery.... Im going.

Im excited and scared about New York all at the same time. I havnt been up there since last May, my Aunt Phyllis's funeral. She was an amazing woman, She loved Jesus so much. She had a rough childhood also, She was one of the first people Ive shared my insecurities with. I owe a lot, if not all of my 'being a Christian' to her. I might have been a buddhist or something, but seeing the way she loved Jesus, and how she TRULY spread love to EVERYONE, inspired me. She was the most joyful person I have ever known. I dont know why but when I was younger, I always wanted to bring my "wife to be" to see her, cuz I always thought she would know who God had picked for me, and it was my Aunt who I always wanted all my friends to meet, because she would make them feel "loved". I strive to be like that, to share love that comes from God above, its so beautiful. The way she and my Uncle Julio raised their children in that love shows, and it is in them that I will model my parenting around, not my own personal childhood.

I want to see my cousins and Uncle Julio while Im up there, I hope I get to.

Im going to dinner in a few with my friends, It will be good to be around them, help clear my head about things, and just relax, lord knows I need it.

Anywho, the moral of this story is, IM GOING TO NEW YORK!!!!!! Look Out!!!!

Reality Sets In

I cried like a baby today...

I havnt cried like this since I had to give Haley May away... I was in the car, driving Haley to Beaufort to stay with my friends. I remember being so sad and sobbing like a mad man. I felt so bad for her, I kept apologizing to her (yes, a dog) to let her know that it wasnt her fault, shes such a good dog. Todays tears, though similar, were for a different reason.

Love hurts. I left Garretts office after our meeting... and I dont know why, but I slowly started crying... When I got down to my car, I lost it. I put my sweatshirt over my face and just balled my eyes out. I didnt know where to go, what to do. So I just drove around crying. I had heard the truth, I heard what I should do about my feelings, and it hurt so, so bad.

I love my exgirlfriend, this is true. But its just not working, we went to far to fast, our communication sucks. Yet, the only place I want to be now is right there in her arms... but I cant. Its what I want, not what I need.

We've hurt eachother. I just realized that its not that she dosnt want to help, its just that she cant. And I cant help her either. This is highly disappointing. These harsh realities I believe are just setting in.

Questions flood my mind, what do I do? The answer is, heal myself, to do this, I must leave, fully extract myself from the pain... but it hurts... I miss her. How do you just stop loving someone at the drop of a hat... life is tough.

I am proud of myself however, I was unsure how I would fill this void. I considered an outing with my pothead friends, however, I can honestly say I dont desire that. God has given me only what I can handle, I CAN handle this, I do have more strength than I had thought.

I dont know whats in store for me emotionally these next few days, but I pray that I can be strong, and just let God take care of the rest. I give it all to you oh Lord, its all yours.