A Walk In The Rain - Avian Flu

It was raining outside today. I decided for reasons still unknown to me, to go for a walk in the rain...

I walked down to the horseshoe and came across this clump of feathers on the ground. I had to get real close to see what it actually was. Turned out it was this little birdie on the ground. He was still alive, breathing normally, but his little head was looking up at the sky, with his little eyes closed.

I was afraid to get near the little thingy, I kept having visions of my eyes being plucked out, so I kept a few feet away. When I noticed he was oblivious to the world around, I got right next to him. He seemed to be shivering, I wanted to pet him, but he was sitting in a pile of his own poop so I figured he must have been sick... Bird Flu???

I didnt know what to do... Was it dying? I thought about just stepping on it, to put it out of its misery... But I couldnt... Instead, I just sat there forever, holding my hands over his head, shielding him from the raindrops.

I kinda wanted to cry, but Im not that big of a wuss. When I left, he was still cold and shivering... So I prayed for him, it was all I could do short of getting bird flu.

I think Ill walk out that way when this place closes (Im at cool beans). If he's still there, Ill get some gloves and take him home... its cold outside... poor little guy. :(

Soul To Squeeze

Ive got a bad disease, from my brain is where I bleed. Insanity it seems, has got me by my soul to squeeze.

I think Ive come to realize lately that I just suck. Its a harsh and humbling experience. Sometimes I feel so stuck, trapped... but then I look at what Im doing (or could be doing) to improve my situation, and I realize... well, that I suck. I want to get on track, with all forms of life, but Im not... and I dont know why. Some form of laziness mixed in with a bunch of other things.

I thought about just leaving for a while, or for good, and start over again. But thats not good. It reminds me of my family life, the way my parents act. They feel theyve messed up to much so they just gave up, ran away... I guess I have that same mentality, Im just glad I realize that now at age 25, and not 50 with 2 kids.

I think thats the problem with a lot of people, they mess up and dont want to face the consequences, whether its fear from the other persons reactions or from their own inner guilt and shame. Its not good to run away from your problems, not when you can fix what you have.

To be honest tho, I dont really wanna leave, I like it here! Plan B at the shack was awesome, I looked around at my fellow shackers and was just, joyful! I love these guys, love see them smile. I finally feel "home" here, and I feel loved, why leave that?... and by the way my grades are looking, Im going to be here for another 6 years anyways... ugh.

Anywho, whatever is tearing at my soul I hope goes away.