It Wont Always Be Like This

"It wont always be like this". A phrase I have been uttering ever since I can remember. That phrase is a hymn of undying hope to me. Its something Ive always believed, it wont always be like this.

Life is wierd right now. Im very happy! I love being alive, and I am blessed with so many great friends. My spirits are Very high, however I am faced with some great challenges. A fire has recently wiped out the majority of my belongings, 27 years of crap. I was fortunate enough to have taken with me all my clothes, important documents/letters, pictures and my guitar. Everything else is for the most part gone. Im ok with that, but it puts me in one hell of a financial bind. I was going to sell my bed, couch and dresser. The money I would have gotten from that would have gone to the purchase of new stuff. But thats gone now, along with the deposit on the house we were renting. And with student loans conveniently kicking in, its applying some great pressure.

So my bank account is hurting, and as a result, I have had to cut back on spending. After analyzing my budget, Gas and Food are the two variable costs that I can afford to cut down on. I now drive only when I have to, and I eat... well, never.

It wont always be like this. I am blessed with a job that feeds me one Free meal a day. And I can usually get some other snack food at the job before I go. And thats about all I eat. I work overnight shifts, and I get off around 7:00am. I have spent the probably 6 of my past 8 days in bed, from 8:00am til 10:00pm at night. I sleep through my hunger. I sleep through the potential of wasting money on gas or other costs. And unfortunaltely, thats my life for now. Work and sleep.

I told my self I would never work at Applebees again... I just applied yesterday, gotta do what you gotta do to survive, even if it means two jobs. Instead of forcing myself to sleep all day, atleast I could be making more money and be able to eat atleast one more meal a day. I am prepared to work as many hours as needed to survive.

I really am ok tho. Im happy. I know how to survive, and I KNOW it wont always be like this. I will look back one day on what it took for me to get there, and I will smile and be proud of All the obstacles I have had to overcome. It has been one hell of a life, and many people have written me off as a lost cause. But I know me, God knows me, and I know Im gunna make it, and I know he'll always take care of me. My life has a crazy way of being absolutely Insane, but working itself out just fine.

Crazy thing is though, I have been having a TON of dreams about the house I used to live in back in Florida. The Hell house, the one I was raised, starved and beaten in. I think going to bed hungry, and sleeping through the hunger is triggering the old feelings of when I used to do this on a daily basis, for like 6 years. Its kind of crazy how this feeling of hunger is tied so close to my childhood. Anywho, I dont like dreaming about the old house, I hated it there, and I want to be rid of that place for good.

But thats where Im at. Im just surviving. But Im still happy, thank God. I see life for the good in it, the friends I have, the friends Im making, the love I can share. Life is good. I really do know Ill make it to the top. And I know with all my heart, it wont always be like this.