Everything Happens For A Reason... Right?
To have Faith like a child... those were the days.
When I was a kid, I used to believe that everything happened for a reason. I believed that God was in control of my path, and the things that happened in it. I believed there was no luck (and trust me, if there was, I didnt have any), it was this Divine Will that guided me.
As an adult now, Im not so sure I believe that, at all. Taking the past 28 years into account, I have a hard time saying "God Willed this to happen" or "Its all a part of His plan". These eyes, this soul, have seen and endured much hardship. Its so hard for me to believe that God Willed this, or even allowed this to happen. If it was truly his hand guiding me, than it was that same hand that put me through 3 personal hells, it was that hand that slapped me instead of helping me.
Maybe it's just age taking away my child-like hope. Maybe its just a collection of scars on my soul that dont allow me to believe in this guided path. Whatever it is tho, I wish it wasnt there. I wish I knew that God was in control. I wish I could believe he cared, and was truley near to the broken hearted. But does he care? Is he truly near to the brokenhearted? Honestly, I dont know. But I do know this; I want to believe it. I want to believe I serve a higher purpose than to just exist. I want to believe.
I was reading the book of Mark the other day, and I ran across this part where this Man brought his Child who was all messed up (rolling on the ground, foaming at the mouth, not good stuff) to Jesus. The Man said to Him "But if you can, take pity and help us Cracka" (this guy was a total thug). And Jesus was kinda taken back and said "IF I can? All things are possible to those who believe, cracka" (He too had some Street in Him).
I liked that part. But the part that stuck out to me was not what Jesus said. It was the mans reply, his prayer actually. He said; "I do believe... help my unbelief".
I think this stuck out because the answer to my Faith question, much like any other question in life, was simple. Just ask. Ask to believe. And I dont do that, I kind of skip the whole Knocking part of the Knock and it Will be Opened to you thing. I just stand at the door expecting it to open because Im there.
Back to the Basics. My Marine Corps Drill Instructor Staff Sergeant Golden once said "when times are tough, go back to the basics". To this day, Im still not 100% sure what that means. But to my faith, it means going back to the most simplest of all Christian duties: Prayer.
I need to go back to that. Asking to believe. I think my most recent prayers include Financial Stability and mercy on Tupac's Soul (Ok, I know that sounds lame, but it's true... I have a poster in my office, I see him every day and I pray for him... dont judge me!). I havnt been praying for the basic foundation of my faith, or about anything Christian related?
I find that I dont really get what I pray for when its about my personal agenda/physical needs. But when I sit down and pray for a Change in my heart, I can honestly say I get it almost every time. And thats where I need to start, with the basics.
So, will I believe again like I did when I was a kid? When I felt invincible in what was my Hell with Him guiding me? I honestly dont know, But I do know Im going to ask for it. And what Father, when his child asks for food, would give him a stone instead?
When I was a kid, I used to believe that everything happened for a reason. I believed that God was in control of my path, and the things that happened in it. I believed there was no luck (and trust me, if there was, I didnt have any), it was this Divine Will that guided me.
As an adult now, Im not so sure I believe that, at all. Taking the past 28 years into account, I have a hard time saying "God Willed this to happen" or "Its all a part of His plan". These eyes, this soul, have seen and endured much hardship. Its so hard for me to believe that God Willed this, or even allowed this to happen. If it was truly his hand guiding me, than it was that same hand that put me through 3 personal hells, it was that hand that slapped me instead of helping me.
Maybe it's just age taking away my child-like hope. Maybe its just a collection of scars on my soul that dont allow me to believe in this guided path. Whatever it is tho, I wish it wasnt there. I wish I knew that God was in control. I wish I could believe he cared, and was truley near to the broken hearted. But does he care? Is he truly near to the brokenhearted? Honestly, I dont know. But I do know this; I want to believe it. I want to believe I serve a higher purpose than to just exist. I want to believe.
I was reading the book of Mark the other day, and I ran across this part where this Man brought his Child who was all messed up (rolling on the ground, foaming at the mouth, not good stuff) to Jesus. The Man said to Him "But if you can, take pity and help us Cracka" (this guy was a total thug). And Jesus was kinda taken back and said "IF I can? All things are possible to those who believe, cracka" (He too had some Street in Him).
I liked that part. But the part that stuck out to me was not what Jesus said. It was the mans reply, his prayer actually. He said; "I do believe... help my unbelief".
I think this stuck out because the answer to my Faith question, much like any other question in life, was simple. Just ask. Ask to believe. And I dont do that, I kind of skip the whole Knocking part of the Knock and it Will be Opened to you thing. I just stand at the door expecting it to open because Im there.
Back to the Basics. My Marine Corps Drill Instructor Staff Sergeant Golden once said "when times are tough, go back to the basics". To this day, Im still not 100% sure what that means. But to my faith, it means going back to the most simplest of all Christian duties: Prayer.
I need to go back to that. Asking to believe. I think my most recent prayers include Financial Stability and mercy on Tupac's Soul (Ok, I know that sounds lame, but it's true... I have a poster in my office, I see him every day and I pray for him... dont judge me!). I havnt been praying for the basic foundation of my faith, or about anything Christian related?
I find that I dont really get what I pray for when its about my personal agenda/physical needs. But when I sit down and pray for a Change in my heart, I can honestly say I get it almost every time. And thats where I need to start, with the basics.
So, will I believe again like I did when I was a kid? When I felt invincible in what was my Hell with Him guiding me? I honestly dont know, But I do know Im going to ask for it. And what Father, when his child asks for food, would give him a stone instead?
posted by Tupacs Love Child at 8:43 PM
5 Comments:
Hi there... I would like to tell you just one thing... have faith in almighty, don't loose out on this. Ultimately you'll surely realize that it was this faith that brought you far in life and helped you cross all the hurdles in life.
A pastor of mine from Arkansas described that man's response to Jesus (I believe, help my unbelief) as one of the most honest passages in scripture. I think he was right.
I'd like to know more about Staff Sergeant Golden.. Was this at Parris Islands? What was your platoon? I was in 1016 3rd Battalion back in like 1995-96 if I recall
Yup, drill instructor Staff Sergeant Golden. I was in 2057, 2nd Battalion, back in May 1999.
This is a great post, more so than I remember - though I do wonder how you feel about it now. Regardless, hope you're well my friend.
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