Witts End
My heart has been hurting for some time now, I dont fully understand why. Life is so insanely stressful, sometimes I dont know what the hell I am doing. Im so torn in so many places and Im beyond stressed out. I havnt slept well in ages it seems. I cant sleep now, and I dont want to lie in bed and submit to my thoughts.
Should I move? Why am I moving? Is it for me, or for you? Who am I living for, what am I living for? Me? I dont even know, I really dont... i really dont.
I have so many choices to make in such a short time frame, I need answers, I need to make decisions... Why is this so tough.
I just know that I hate living like this. I want this bleeding in my heart to stop, so bad. I want my thoughts to be free, and not on the same two damn things all the god-damn time (using a lower case "g" allows me to say god-damn without using the lords name in vein... or atleast thats how I justify it).
Ive been in Seattle for a week now, its been busy, but goodish. My mind isnt here tho. My friend keeps asking me "Tony, you alright", because Im constantly spacing out, thinking of the stress of moving and a seemingly bottomless heartache. What the fuck is wrong with me, why do I still hurt from this, what the absolute fuck is going on.
Im just bitching out loud, and I admit, it kinda feels good to let it all out. But I just want peace so bad, Im such a troubled soul right now. I will say, on the plus side, that even tho my life is admittingly shitty at this point, not to-to much to be thankful for (im unemployed, cant find a decent job, and Im broke as hell) Im staying out of trouble, and somehow, my faith in God (see, uppercase "G") has increased. Im clinging to the hem of His garment and Im not letting go damnit...
But a fall is coming, I can feel it. I had a moment of weakness tonight, and Im setting myself up to be hurt again. Maybe Im being pessimistic, but I feel pain coming. And this kind of pain goes straight to the core, and rips and tears, and fucks with my life incredibly well.
I do want to say that altho I am having an awful time in life now, I am so thankful for the friends I have. Both back in Cola and out here. I realized tonight that I am blessed. I always look for "blessings" in the form of material things that I think I need, like money and a car that has a working clutch that might actually retain oil and have a driver side window that rolls up and down... I realized tonight that I am Blessed with great friends, I cant help but Thank God for that, i wouldnt be here this far in life without great friends. So I think I need to lean on my friends more (tho its hard for me to share emotional things with them), it would make life taste sweeter, or actually, just taste again. Its been so long since ive tasted life for anything other than bitter, and Its been so long since I could sleep, and I know that sleep is not coming anytime soon.
Should I move? Why am I moving? Is it for me, or for you? Who am I living for, what am I living for? Me? I dont even know, I really dont... i really dont.
I have so many choices to make in such a short time frame, I need answers, I need to make decisions... Why is this so tough.
I just know that I hate living like this. I want this bleeding in my heart to stop, so bad. I want my thoughts to be free, and not on the same two damn things all the god-damn time (using a lower case "g" allows me to say god-damn without using the lords name in vein... or atleast thats how I justify it).
Ive been in Seattle for a week now, its been busy, but goodish. My mind isnt here tho. My friend keeps asking me "Tony, you alright", because Im constantly spacing out, thinking of the stress of moving and a seemingly bottomless heartache. What the fuck is wrong with me, why do I still hurt from this, what the absolute fuck is going on.
Im just bitching out loud, and I admit, it kinda feels good to let it all out. But I just want peace so bad, Im such a troubled soul right now. I will say, on the plus side, that even tho my life is admittingly shitty at this point, not to-to much to be thankful for (im unemployed, cant find a decent job, and Im broke as hell) Im staying out of trouble, and somehow, my faith in God (see, uppercase "G") has increased. Im clinging to the hem of His garment and Im not letting go damnit...
But a fall is coming, I can feel it. I had a moment of weakness tonight, and Im setting myself up to be hurt again. Maybe Im being pessimistic, but I feel pain coming. And this kind of pain goes straight to the core, and rips and tears, and fucks with my life incredibly well.
I do want to say that altho I am having an awful time in life now, I am so thankful for the friends I have. Both back in Cola and out here. I realized tonight that I am blessed. I always look for "blessings" in the form of material things that I think I need, like money and a car that has a working clutch that might actually retain oil and have a driver side window that rolls up and down... I realized tonight that I am Blessed with great friends, I cant help but Thank God for that, i wouldnt be here this far in life without great friends. So I think I need to lean on my friends more (tho its hard for me to share emotional things with them), it would make life taste sweeter, or actually, just taste again. Its been so long since ive tasted life for anything other than bitter, and Its been so long since I could sleep, and I know that sleep is not coming anytime soon.
posted by Tupacs Love Child at 1:11 AM
3 Comments:
my little brother, it pains me to hear you in pain. faith is a rock. and you are stronger because of it - so have your faith be an verb, an action, not a noun or state of being. let your faith help you stand up and go. nothing is final. do you think His choices were easy to make? do you not think He toiled for days on end with His decisions to make? if the opportunity that is presenting itself is worth it give it your all and give yourself the chance to be happy - if it doesn't work out you can always go back home... and you know that you have plenty of homes that you have yourself built and earned not by birth-right but with love.
i love you.
I wish there was something I could do to help,, I really do.
You will be missed when you leave and a blessing to all you come across.
Remember all those times in HC up in really burning up apartments? Good times good times. We always had good times. And if there is a chance you could come buy, or we could all go out before you leave, tyler and I would love that. We were talking about it just this weekend when we heard you were leaving.
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