Priceless

When I was a kid, my Aunt would always tell me I was "priceless". I never really understood what that meant, I mean, I knew it had to be a compliment of some sort, but it just seems to me that something special should be worth something. For example, a remote control car (which is what I thought about as being valuable, when I was a kid) went for like $60 bucks back then, Wouldnt it be better if she said I was worth $60 bucks, or even up it to a cool Million? That way its Worth something.

While listening to an R Kelly song a few weeks ago (dont laugh), another form of "priceless" came up. When R Kelly was describing how he felt about some girl, he said the feeling was like "a prescious jewel with no price tag". Even up till a few weeks ago I was still stumped on what the hell priceless meant. I never really got it, that is until I found I had a price, to someone near.

My most recent relationship ended due to conflicting Futures. Long story short, she joined the Peace Corps (or piece of Shit corps, for short) and thinks that we can do long distance for 2 years, I on the other hand think that 2 years apart (that is Morocco and the United States) is not a good idea. So what should happen? Compromise. And my compromise was this, Wait until I can pay off a few debts, and I will go with you, even though I never really wanted to do the Peace Corps at this stage in life. Her response, no. If she waited for me to go, she would lose her spot to work in Morocco... So there it is, theres my price. I am worth less to her than an opportunity to go to Morocco... I was willing to meet her in the middle, she was willing to say goodbye. Shit hurts.

And I fought so hard over the past month not to feel worthless, not to put my worth as a human in the hands of another person, not to let this whole shitty ordeal weigh on me so much, but I failed. Its hard when youve had a life like me not to take it personally, and not to think "what is it about Me thats worth giving up"? "Why am I so easy to get rid of"? "What am I doing wrong"?

I just dont get it... I know this is a bit whiney and all, but I unfortunately have days like these when history repeats. I always find myself trying to be more valuable to people who are valuable to me, trying to make them love me more, when they just dont, or cant. I spent a whole year dating someone who would not fight for me, who never loved me for who I was. I had a hard time believing that it wasnt my fault, and days like these, I just wonder if something in me causes that. To be so easy to dispose of. Not worth fighting for. Not worth some sacrifice. Not worth food. Not worth taking care of. Not worth Compromise...

I feel cursed sometimes. And I guess some of it is my fault, I really do put myself in Unwise situations, but life has been tough as hell thus far. I just want peace. I want a restful period where shit fuckin flies right. Where its not stressful, where I feel loved, where I am worth being with, where I am Priceless...

At this point, I really am so discouraged, I dont feel Ill ever attain that. I hate believing that, but Im running out of hope here. I hope this is just a phase, because my resilience has always gotten me through. I really hope I dont lose that. I know Ill be ok, I just need to get over the hurt, and try not to rebound. Thats the plan anyways.

On a side note. Columbia is absolutely beautiful when it rains.