Dont Listen to the Moldy Doughnuts

I had my second conceling session today, it went well. We talked about my childhood and stuff like that. While in session, I had to tell my councelor how my dad didnt feed us, and when he got pissed he didnt buy us food for weeks, even months.

Through this, I recalled an event from childhood: One weekend before the beginning of a school year (I think it was in elementary school, not sure on the year) my Mom, Step-dad and little brother came over for the weekend to take us school shopping and what not. We stayed at a holiday inn on the beach, it was a pretty fun weekend. On the last day there, me and my little brother went to the lobby of the hotel where they had a free continental breakfast... It wasnt much of a spread, just coffee, milk, assorted cereal boxes and bags of mini-doughnuts... Im guessing the continent is Africa... Anywho, I ended up taking ALL the Freakin doughnuts I could stuff into my pockets and hands because I knew once this weekend was over I would go back to my dads where there would be no food.

I hid the doughnuts in my dresser drawers. I tried to use them sparingly so they would last longer. About a week later, I was in my room at night and decided it was time for dinner. I ripped open my last chocolate doughnut, devoured it, and moved to finish off the plain flavored doughnuts. While half way through eating the plain doughnut, I noticed that there was green mold all over my doughnut... I started to cry. Part of me was sad because I was so hungry and just wanted to eat... The other part of me was sad becuase this was my life... I was a bum, I was worthless, I was meant to live in this hell, I believed that no one loved me, I didnt deserve anything good, I felt defeated... I almost want to tear up typing this because I remember that night all to well... But at that point in my life, I believed I was worthless, below everyone else... I scraped off the green mold with my fingers and finished my doughnut, in tears.

It has taken years to erase the feeling of worthlessness, of feeling unwanted, unloved. My counselor, lets call her Kacey from now on, stopped me and said "Do you realize you have come a long way?"... I told her my friends and family says that a lot, and the truth is, I dont realize it yet to it's entire truth. But I really have... My beliefs, my thoughts... I think now on what I believed then and Im in awe... I was so wrong, people do love me, people do care, I DO have worth in this world, I am more than I give myself credit for. This didnt really hit me until about 20 minutes ago. I received a phone call from Gmo, a good friend and he really spoke into me. Then, while sitting up here at Wired Bean, Matt Jones, another friend from the shack, sister (who I just realized does not like being called Matt Jones sister, so lets call her Courtney) ran into me and asked me if I was Tony, to which I said yes. She said "hi" and she said that her brother speaks very highly about me and likes me (in a straight way) very much... I realized something... I am Something... I am not worthless, people do love me. This negative opinion I have of myself is a facade, I am loved, and I love my friends.

I have come along way, and yet theres so much more to go. I thank my friends for helping me in my struggles, sometimes the littlest thing goes the longest ways. God bless.

Diary of a Mad Man

This is going to be as random as it gets:

Tony on Fall:
I love the smell of fall... Everywhere I walk it smells like a pumpkin spice latte. Its a good smell.

My Trip To the Counselors Office
Receptionist: "Hi, can I help you?"
Tony: "Yes, hi, can I make an appointment."
Receptionist: "Ok, and what is the reason for your visit?"
Tony: "...because Im crazy (wierd smile)."

Ya know, one thing Ive noticed on my trips to the USC counselors office is how I look at the other students as if theyre crazy. Its funny, I think IM ok, but the rest of these kids, watch out. I then start putting levels of crazy, like last year when I went to the counselor, I was only there because I had seen my roomate with his head shot off... hey, thats pretty traumatic, totally worthy of counseling. I then started guessing the probelms of the other people, wondering if I was safe... Its so silly really, but kinda funny at the same time.

And there were some really pretty girls that in the reception area, and I was auto-repulsed by them because they needing counseling? crazy huh? But could you imagine telling your friends and family about that?
Friends and Family: "Soooo, howd you meet?"
Me and Crazy: ".......... Therapy......."
How Romantic...

One last note on crazy tho is this; We are ALL a bit F'n crazy at times.

Tony On Friends:
What can I say, if its one thing I am in this world its blessed with amazing friends, always have been. Ive been bummed for about 2 weeks now, and it shows. While walking into my apartment, my downstairs neighbors Erin and Alison rushed out to say hi to me because they havnt seen me in forever. I felt... special... It meant so much. Thank you guys.

My roomies Matt and Dave are always there to give and listen, theyre key.

Dan is an amazing man, Im blessed to have him in my life. Thats all I have to say about that.

Kayla is an Angel on earth, for those who didnt know. Shes always there to listen, with an amazing, calming, gentle spirit, I am blessed.

And then there my straight up homie, Brandon. Comin through in the clutch, who out of friendship SACRIFICED a night of sex with his girlfriend to let me stay at his place.
Tony: "Aw man, Im sorry, dont worry about me, Ill be ok."
Brandon: "No way, I gotta be there for my boy."
... Thats up there with Gods only begotten son.... ok, maybe not, but its still an amazing sacrafice.

Tony on Love:
I love, love.

And thats all I have to say.

Patrick Davis

I was searching through some old disks and I ran across some old letters I had typed up to give to the people who had helped me out through my awful high school days. I read the one I wrote to Patrick Davis, he's a really good guy. Unfortunately he's had a pretty rough life too, father issues, troubled siblings, stuff like that. Anywho, I wonder how he's doing since I lost contact, so Ill post my letter, I hope you find this Patrick Davis. (keep in mind I wrote this in High School).

Patrick Davis

Patrick Davis, man of mystery. Our time in the “kiddie” world is over and its time for us to go out and support ourselves. We’ve known eachother for a long time now, seven, eight years or so, and now the luxury of being able to just hang out is being stripped away from us, that sucks donkeys!

The reason why I’m writing this to you is because you, at times, feel that your friends don’t care, but we do. And even though I’m going into the Marines and your going to an Academy, you still have to keep in touch. It would be nice to hear from you once and a while. Tell your Mom I said thanks for all the help, letting me live up in your room and feeding me all those times. And tell Tati that Uncle Tony said hi, and make sure she stops licking her feet!

Like I said before, don’t waste your skills Patrick. You are one of the smartest, most sophisticated people I know, Look towards the future and try your best at whatever you do. And if you do try your best Patrick, you WILL be driving a 24kt gold Lexus on the deck of a ship in which you are the captian of.

Thanks for all the help over the years, with food and money and housing and all. Good luck to you in the future and God bless, Yes there is a God, and hopefully you’ll find it.

Your Friend,
Anthony Robert Alessandro