A Penny For Your Thoughts

I think we are all so much more valuable than we give ourselves credit for... well, some of us anyways. Theres always those few people, or as the Marine Corps would say "that 10%", that think they are more important than the rest of the world. But it is to the 90% I speak.

Ive really grown up with the belief that I was stupid, and that I was worthless. I HATED answering questions or talking in class, because I automatically assumed what I had to say was wrong or stupid. These feelings began in elementary school... Gosh, that was years ago. Im 26 now and I am still dealing with those feelings of stupidity and worthlessness.

I was talking to a friend on the phone the other night, he was having a rough time and was asking for advice, which I provided. During this conversation he stopped and said "I dont know if you know this or not but you are really wise, I just thought you should know that". That compliment meant a lot... I really dont see myself that way. I still feel like what I have to say is crap, unintelligent... I feel like people are thinking I am stupid when Im talking.

Its so bad that I dont even give compliments to people as often as I should because I feel I am worthless. I feel like people wouldnt care what I thought because it was "Just Tony", no one important.

I believe a lot of people feel this way, Stupid, afraid to talk because of what other people May think of them. I use the word "May" because almost everytime we try to "guess" how people view us, its wrong. Im beginning to understand that people dont think Im stupid or worthless, those awful feelings are beggining to fall away. However, the bad habits of not speaking my opinion or complimenting people still carries over. Its like somewhere deep down, Ive accepted this "worthlessness and stupidity". I have to break those habits completely.

So yeah, guess what peeps, your not stupid, you are not worthless, you are beautiful and have so much value and worth in this world. We waste our gifts, our time, and our potential by giving into our insecurities. I wonder who I could have blessed, and what more I could have done if I had just believed better things of myself. I leave you with, what I feel, is an applicable quote.

"Your life is God's gift to you, what you do with your life, is your gift to God".

Dont waste it.

While I Got a Second

Been a busy week, im tired... Its almost over, 1 more day than a mini-sabatical. While I have a spare moment, I just wanted to say this:

I love my friends.

I am so blessed to have the amazing friendships I have in my life. I am blessed to have pure and innocent friendships with members of the opposite sex. I am blessed that I have people I can engage in deep conversation with, talk about matters of my heart and life, and not just surfacy things. I am blessed to have friends who have seen the ugliness of my heart, and love me anyways, because I try.

I thank God that I have always had amazing friends. I may not have much of a family life, but I wouldnt trade what I have for anything in this world. Life has been tough, but it has made me into who I am, I wouldnt change a thing.

I love my homies. God Bless.

I Wanna Be In The Light

Im in a tough spot within my own heart and soul. What am I doing... Its been a rough few days... Then the words came to me like... something that comes to you when you really need it! Dont laugh, but the words came from an old DC Talk song, In the light... I smiled, I will quote these words for you:

Tell me whats going on inside of me?
I Despise my own behavior,
This only serves to confirm, my suspicions,
That I'm still a Man in need of a Savior.

Gosh ya'll, Im such a selfish human being... I took what I wanted. I love others, and yet I use them, I despise that so much... Selfish. What was I doing? Being selfish... It hurts. What was I thinking... I was trying to take a precious treasure, one that was not mine to take, one I had no room for anyways... Selfishness.

I am so far from perfect, and It's days like these that remind me of this. Good news however. Spiritual Growth is occuring... I AM in need of a Savior, I cant do this on my own, I really Suck on my own. Once again, Its spiritual endurance I need. Times suck, Im being hard on myself, but Im pressing on, no giving up, no turning back. I wanna be in the light, pure, honest and truley treating my brothers and sisters out of love.

Special Thanks DC Talk for such an awesome CD. Jesus Freak rocks man, hop on that stuff!

You Cant Handle the Truth

Truth hurts. Truth can be uncomfortable and sometimes unbearable. It is because of this that people cant handle the truth, even when they ask for it. I should know, Im one of those people.

I was completely disheartened today. Last night I hurt my friends feelings by telling her my true feelings about her relationship. In hindsight, I should have been more careful with my words. Using the honest approach, I told her how I felt, and though she asked me my honest opinion and it was not meant to hurt, it did. Now she's upset with me and Im upset to have upset her.

I also tried to rebuke a friend on their sarcasm, which I received another sarcastic remark for. Later that same night, I tried calling a friend out on what I felt was a bitter heart... Once again, I hurt someone elses feelings, and this person turned cold on me...

I just feel so bad, I feel what Im doing is right. I only speak the truth and rebuke because I care, because these are my friends and I care about them and their hearts. We are called to rebuke, and sharpen eachother... I just dont see why theres such stiff resistance, and a quickness to rub in my faults as a reason for doing bad.

Im going to give Matt Carrowan the credit here for this one, he said "If you have to Justify what you are doing with someone elses Sin, thats just wrong". So wise, so true.

I also cant be prideful in thinking that I am Right. I may be completely wrong with my views here, this is something I have to pray more about. But right now it does feel right to be honest, and to not lie or plead the fifth, as one friend told me to do. No way. Im sorry, but I love you to much to lie to you. I know it hurts, but just know that I love you, and Im only honest because I care... If I didnt care, Id lie to you, then talk bad about you when your not around!

So yeah, what have I learned today? People only want the Truth that they want to hear. People really dont want to be held accountable. Humans are defensive by nature when it comes to being rebuked. Our community is not used to rebuke. Changes need to be made.

I hate the fact that I hurt peoples feelings, I dont like this at all. But what am I gunna do... I wanna just appease everyone and drop my opinions and just move on, but thats worthless, thats so fake and empty. I think Ill re-read my blog on spiritual endurance and just keep on keepin on.

I love you, and Im sorry if I hurt any of you. I am far from perfect, and far from being the most tact person in the world, Lo siento to all those who I have pissed off or hurt in the past 24 hours, I really am sorry, It's only cuz I care.

Fatherhood

No, I havnt gotten anyone pregnant... I hope... (kidding)

I was having coffee with a friend today, and she said something Ive heard a million times in my life, give or take twenty thousand...

"Your going to be a good Father"

I hope so, but to be honest, Its one of my biggest fears. I didnt have the best role model of a father, no offense Dad if your out there. And the fact that I see some of his negative traits coming out of me is scary as hell-o.

I really think I'll be ok, I am nothing like him in many ways, which is good. I guess its best to work on my negative traits now, while there is no Tony junior out there, that I know of.

So anywho, I met up with with Ryan, Blur, Cinday and Danny Glendinininining at Frankies Fun Park. I arrived late, and they were all in the middle of a round of put put which I went and observed. It was kinda cold out, So I was just watching them play with my hands in my jacket pockets. I look over and see two boys trying to put put, and right behind them, was their father, watching them both play, with his hands in his jacket pockets... I thought of that father comment earlier... I looked over at my four "kids" playing put put... Ok, so it was a stretch, but I did compute it like such, not that I feel like Ryan, Blur, Cindy and Danny are my kids or anything, but I saw myself doing things with my kids, taking them places, taking joy in watching them have fun, and just enjoying life, just as I was just watching my friends play put put.

I know this was random, but fatherhood is such a fear of mine. I used to pray everynight as a child to Not be like my dad. When I was in the Marines, I worked a second job for the sole purpose of saving money for my future family, I didnt wanna be poor and hungry like we were... (although I did save close to four thousand dollars, I used about eighty percent of my second job income on alcohol! Those were the good ole days.. I think...)

Tho it is terrifying, I really believe I will be a good daddy. I wont be perfect, but lord knows ill try.

You've GOT To Try The Salsa!

Man, I had fun tonight! I have to admit, Learning to Salsa is a lot of fun!!!

It was scary at first, much like any new thing you take on. I remember when I was going to start taking submission fighting classes. It was pretty intimidating to just jump in there and learn how to break peoples spines, then at the end, just start doing it.

But getting the courage to Salsa required courage of a different sort. For one, as much as Id love to say Im an Italian, I am white... meaning rythum does not come natural to me, no matter how long I lived with the Pureto Ricans. Also, there are OTHER people there who are NOT white who CAN dance and who WILL make me look stupid. Oh, and to top it all off, the place where the dance classes are is in a building with a beautiful view of Assembly street, meaning people can watch me make a fool of myself as they walk or drive by... talk about pressure.

But the scariness wares off, and it just becomes fun! They even toss you around with different parnters, which is scary at first, but wares off as well. I was blessed to have gone with an AMAZING partner! We had a lot of fun and laughs, good times! :)

I look forward to the weeks ahead! Ill be the 1st Italian White boy Salsa Champion in no time!

Spiritual Endurance

So I went to the ole house church last Sunday, it was really good. It was good to do church with my old friends, I missed sharing my life with them.

We went through a chapter in Acts, chapter 16 to be exact. During this chapter, Paul and his homie Silas were chillin in Macedonia when the met this chick named Lydia... Long story short, they cast out some demons from Lydia, this angered some people and Paul and Silas were pubically beaten and imprisoned. While sitting in prison, all bloodied and beaten, Paul and Silas began singing hymns and praying to God...

It didnt sink in until the end of church the importance of spiritual endurance, and the absolute lack of mine.

Dude, Paul and Silas were beaten up and rotting in prison becuase they were doing the Lords work... Technically, it was the Lords fault they were in there... yet they were singing praises and praying... wow.

I think of my life... (oh boy) and when times are tough, and when I feel I am doing the Lords work and I get burnt by it... How I react is far different, with an absolute Lack of Spiritual Endurance.

I give up. I use the excuse of being burnt by doing what is "right" to turn around and do something "wrong". I blame God for the misfortunes of my life. I dont pray, I complain. I dont sing, I curse. What the crap Tony. This is so far from what I used to be, from what I want to be.

So instead of sitting here and being hard on myself. Ill say that I recognize a need for change, and Im working on it. When times are tough, I will do as it says in 1st Thessalonians; "Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus".

Word.

I Believe In a Thing Called Love, Say It Aint So

Today, someone very close to me tried to hurt my feelings, they succeeded. It really upset me, really hurt my feelings... I exploded. A neighboring friend heard my explosion, asked me if I was ok, to which I replied honestly (no), and she took me for a drive, thanks Erin.

It really helped out a lot, just driving around and talking, and it really meant a lot. Its not everyday you hear someone yelling, then ask them to take a ride in your car. I am blessed for that, Erin really talked some sense into me, trouble is, a lot of people have tried talking sense into me, the hard part is the following through. This was discussed in our car trip, I think I got it this time... I dont ever want to be hurt like that again...

After talking with Erin, I packed my things and headed West-ish... Didnt really have any destination, just far, far away from here. I ended up taking some crazy backroads all the way to Aiken, when I decided that I didnt want to be alone, I called my homies. I texted my friend Brandon, who was still at work, my friend Danielle was there with him so she called me back. It was so Good to hear from her, shes one of my all time fav's. I decided to head back to civilization, I made record time from Aiken, topping speeds of over 110 miles an hour, getting back to Columbia in just over 45 minutes, it was kinda fun.

Me and my friends met up at our crap bar Calloways. It was good to hang out, we had our own Karaoke going on... even though there wasnt Karaoke going on... We put money in the jukebox and sang our hearts out to "I Believe In a Thing Called Love", by the Darkness, and "Say It Aint So" by Weezer. During those songs I laughed, not one of those surfacey laughs, but one from the soul... It felt so good... I love my friends!

Im still hurt and upset about earlier, but Ill get over it. And even though that person was so awful to me, I forgive her, not because I have to, but because I love her. Ill just have to learn from this experience and guard my heart better, no longer will I give that person that part of my heart, my life... I hope I can listen to Erin this time.

So thanks again Erin. And also thanks to Danielle, Brandon and Jesse, for providing me with a much needed laugh, and a place to stay. If its one thing I can say, its that God has blessed me with the most Amazing friends money cant buy. I am blessed to be in situations like these where I can realize this... Say it aint so!

Un Buen Tiempo! Feliz Ano Nuevo!

On the night of the last full day of our road trip, I write this:

Life is Beautiful...

I got to hold my little 4 month old niece... She was so beautiful, I almost cried while holding her. Im an Uncle Tony!!!

New Years was amazing. I brought down some homies from School (Matt, Megs and Kayla) to celebrate the new year with my family and friends. New Years day will always be a memorable day.

It started off in Palm Bay Florida, with Goodbyes to my friend Ace, aka Pookey, aka Carlos... Hes going to Iraq-a-stan for a year... again... From the Goodbyes it was hello's to my Grandparents. They made us lunch after they came home from church. We talked for a bit then I ditched my friends to take a quick shower at the Gmas house. When I came out of the shower, my friends were all outside picking tangerines with my Grandfather... It made me smile... Some of my best memories come from my Gma's house, with my Grandparents, and to get the opportunity to share and make more memories with value friends is priceless.

After picking Tangerines, my friend Kayla decided she needed to wash her hair and what not, so she went into my Grandmothers bathroom to do her thing... During this time, she managed to drop my most prized possession on this earth, (well, maybe not The most prized possession, but its up there) my Saint Christophers necklace, down the drain of the sink. I really wasnt worried about it, prolly because I knew Kayla was really upset by it, and cuz I didnt want to upset her more by being upset as well. Good news tho, my Grandfather constructed a hooking device from a coat hanger and I fished it out!!! I was relieved, poor Kayla was crying tho, to which my Grandfather told her that it was ok, and that he cries all the time too, he's a great man, I hope to be like him... only not bald.

From the Gma's in Palm Bay, we went to Orlando Florida to spend the New Years with my Puerto Rican Family... What a blessing to have them in my life, honestly, all the years of pain and suffering are worth it now, I get to share the rest of my life with some amazing people, who love me so much, and I them.

Oh, and the house we partied at was AMAZING!!! Wow, screened in back porch with a nice bar, swimming pool, spanish music playing all night, an amazing assortment of Puerto Rican food and drinks, I was in Heaven. It was so much fun hanging out with the fam and friends, meeting new people, and eventually, as the other partiers got more and more drunk, getting the courage to get up and dance! Yes, I Salsa'ed!!! I wasnt very good, but at 4am, it didnt matter. I had such a good time, what a blessing to be able to spend it with the friends and family I have.

Life is Beautiful.

I am currently in Tampa, visiting the Mom. Its been good! Today was a restful day ( we needed it after last night). We watched some movies and just hung out, it was good to be home, and rest.

Tomorrow we head back home, I dont wanna leave yet, but I suppose its time to get back to life... Its a New Year, I need to set and keep my goals, and just be happy... If anything, I just need to remember, that Life is Beautiful.

Life, is Beautiful.