New Yearz Rez'

So yeah, its gunna be New Years soon, or as the spanish would say.... I forget... I think its 'ano nuevo', but Im feeling theres something more to it... Anyways, this New Years is no different from any other in the past decade, I have resolved to stop saying those bad words, but I think Ill keep the Italian ones, you know, baby steps.

Last year I had 2 resolutions, stop swearing was one, the other was to 'do the things I wanted to do, but never do'. Like write my family and let them know how much I love them, I wrote one letter, I have 4 more to go, and 2 days to do it... I guess it will go on backlog with the other 50 resolutions Ive yet to accomplish.

This year I want to love more, and allow my self to be loved, thatll be fun. Its hard tho, especially cuz Im dating, which is scary as all hell by the way. I have a lot of things to work out, I really need time to sit down and think it all out, Ive been a wreck lately and have had no time to recover, Im taking some time off next week, God I hope I can use it wisely, and just chill, search for truth and happiness... Things are much better, but the dust is still settling.

So Happy New years, feliz ano nuevo, feliz dia de la acion de gracias... that was the one I was thinking of, thats Thanksgiving...

Oh and one last thing... Fuck fuck fuck shit shit shit damn shit ass fuck shit fuck.

2 days till my rezolutions, had to get em all the fuck out.

I miss the mornings

When I was a kid, real young, before kindy-garten, my dad would have to drop off me and my older brother at my grandmothers house real early in the morning, before work. I remember it would still be dark outside, so my dad would make us makeshift beds on the living room floor for us to get a few more hours sleep.

I remember waking up in the living room, it would be like 7 or 8am, (thats early to me nowdays), and I would see the sun shine through from the patio to the walls. It was a beautiful orange light, which illumninated the whole house in natural beauty.

I would then go play outside in the cool morning dew, I loved the mornings, they were so peaceful, it was just me and nature, and we got along just fine...

Then there were Marine Corps bootcamp mornings... didnt miss those much. Woke up once again while it was still dark, forced to piss and shave in 2 minutes, then ran around and played army man all morning.... total suckfest.

Then theres today... I went to starbucks early to get some coffee. I enjoy the peacefulness of the morning, I really enjoy my coffee, I had a good time reading the bible, and I am currently blogging. I want to get back to my mornings, but not under these conditions...

I cant sleep, my heart aches, insecurities are on the march, Im being overran. Im so confused... How much do you give to the other person... they want you to trust them, but they dont trust you, I want to grow and trust another person, but Its not an act that can be done alone.

Im scared for my heart, its been hurt my whole life, I need to learn how to accept love, but its so hard when... especailly when they wont let you in, you almost have to guard your heart with walls...

So yeah, I miss my mornings, not under these conditions tho...

Out In The Cold

I hate knocking, that is, putting your feelings out there, for someone else to share and take care of, and in return, they open up and share the same with you. It sucks being so vulnerable, it sucks wanting to be so vulnerable. I feel as if Im knocking, and no one is answering, Im locked outside, and its freezing cold.

I hate the coldness, I hate it.

Speaking of hatred for cold, I hate getting out of my car in the winter and getting shocked, what the fuck is that about, its all that damn physics I dont understand.

Anywho, its off to work at the apple, time to freeze my ass of there too, im "carside to-go" person, yea.