If Its All Rusted And Faded In The Spot Where We Fell

Ive been on a Journey lately for myself. I dont know where I am... Where the HELL is my heart... I love people. I love spending time with friends. I love life. Where the hell did I go.

I drove today for a good bit, it was cloudy and cold, I love that weather. I want so badly to be ok again, I know that getting right with God was the key, so I went to the place where I last saw him, at the river where I was baptized.

I got out of my car and stared at the path and thought "where have I been". I made my way down to the water, I actually prayed from the heart. Tears almost filled my eyes as I prayed with authority over my defeated and weakened heart. It felt good, I did not leave alone.

I hope to keep this, especially now... I can be in tears if I think about it. The most beautiful thing I have read, containing everything I had begged and cried about, wasnt even for me... It hurts. Oh well.

I will report that I am blessed by the lives of Brittany Jo and Kayla. Back when my roomie killed himself, and all the drama that ensued, I could just watch them two and receive joy. Tonight is no different, just watching the two of them brings a joy to my heart, and an all but foreign smile to my face, it felt good. Those are two beautiful children of God, I love you two.

Wish me luck on my week, I have more work due than I can handle.

Bull,Cow,Pig & Snake Shit... Signs of the Times

Bad dreams...,
Wake Up...,
Soft sheets...,
Moonlight surrounds me,
Check your phone!,
She hasnt called...,
But... She knows Im hurting...,
An empty cup spills,
soaking my pillow in tears.

A two person battle fought alone.

Yesterday was eh, I dunno, some might say surprisingly shitty, or atleast thats what I say. Im still in that funk or whatever, so I dont like people, I went to brunch for 15 minutes, and left. I love my church, but cant be around people just yet.

I went to Barnes and Noble, most of the church ended up going there. I was glad in the end. Hope was teaching us all some sign language! I learned how to say: Mom, Your Mom, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa, boy, girl, Brother, Sister, Snake, Cow, Bull, Pig, and of course, the sign for shit.

I had a blast with that word.

Anywho, I skipped church to watch the Panthers get their ass beat on live T.V., maybe God was mad at me for skipping church... I hope he's a Steelers fan cuz Ill be skipping for the Super Bowl as well.

I went to cool Beans at the half, I was going to study, but did fuck all instead. I called Stephanie and she ended up coming up there. We had a great talk, she was very encouraging, she even prayed for me, and I whole heartedly accepted it, which amazed me. Im coming back, slowly but surely.

Thank you Stephanie, you are a blessing.

I had high hopes for today, went to bed before 12am. But a midnight awakening and worrying wouldnt allow my 8 hours of sleep, damn. I think tonight may be a Nyquil night, Its been over a year since Ive had one of those! Im so tired, I cant concenrate in class either, I hate my history class, what a bore.... Im going to try and cheer up now... Its on to Finance class, yeaaaah.... I actually like this one, wish me luck.

Theres more than one way to make a Mocha

Coffee, my current joy in life... I had a peanut butter mocha blast from the Jazzmans cafe this morning, it was divine.

Im currently at starbucks, trying an iced mocha. Change'll do ya good some one said, I hope so, I cant shake this funk Im in, its disturbing actually.

I want to be ok, I dont want to be like this. I wonder how much Im doing it to myself, and how much I really cant control. I still dont like being around people, I want to hide, I am, at Starbucks. "Iced Mocha, thats a wonderful choice"

My drill instructer told me that sometimes in the Marines you dont just have bad days, you have bad years, and when it gets bad, you have to "get back to the basics". To this day, I have not figured out exactly what that means... I was going to ask him one day, I ran into him about 9 months after bootcamp when I was stationed in Beaufort, I was going to go ask him exactly what that meant, but I didnt, because I was embarrased... I was working at Brusters Ice Cream shop at the time and he was ordering something, I hid in the back... What? I didnt want his 3 months of training me to be a killer of men to be tarnished by seeing me in a gay ass Brusters outfit, scooping ice cream... "Sprinkles Sir"?

Back to the basics... Its been an AWFUL year, hell, its been bad ever since I moved to Columbia, how do I get back to the basics? While in the Marines, I thought it meant doing things by the numbers again, being a good well trained Marine. In the civillian world Im not to sure what that means, I think it means, going back to what makes me happy, the simple joys in life... Friends, food, laughter... MAN I MISS LAUGHTER!!! I miss living in joy, I miss it, how do I get back, to the basics... To be honest, the Iced Mocha isnt working... what a wonderful choice.

All in a Daze Work

Man, my brain hurts... Today, I picked up a double major, dropped my Finance 465 class, picked up Finance 444, Dropped my Double major, considered dumping the minor, didnt, dropped Finance 444 picked Finance 465 back up, and NOW Im trying to find 2 more classes I can take to be a full time student...

Ive been on VIP almost all day waiting for SOMEBODY to drop a Marketing or Accounting class, im going to piss my self.

Anywho, thats that, Im doing slightly better today, not by much, but better.

I just wanted to say while Ive got the chance, Thank You to Kayla, for always having my back, always seeming to know my heart, and always making me smile. Thank you for caring (you were the first person in house church to talk to me), Kayla, Yo Qiuero tu mucho! Im blessed to have you as my not so secret-secret buddy. And if I DO have 4 daughters, I promise to name one Kayla, wife willing.

Maybe I am blessed after all...

2 a.m. Tampon Run

My best birthday EVER was probably my big 18th. Actually, it was the day before my birthday. The Homecoming dance of my senior year of High School was October 3rd, the day before my birthday (the 4th, duh). We went all out too, me and about 15 friends, we rented a Limo and everything! I had a date to the dance, my exgirlfiend Alaina Schultz, what a Biotch... I guess all is forgiven, hell it was high school... Anywho, she dumped me and took someone else, 3 days before the dance, so I went alone-ish. I had to walk in with a "friends-friend" who I couldnt STAND at that time. Anywho, it ended up being a GREAT time!

When we got back to my friends house, via pimped out Limo, my friends had set up a surprise birthday party for me. I was TOTALLY surprised!!! There was this huge printed out B-day card which everyone signed, and I still have it today!

One of the many highlights of the night was my 2 a.m. trip to the gas station to buy my first ever legal scratch off lotery ticket!!! And what do ya know, I won 20 bucks, surely this was my night!

While at the register of the Hess station, speaking to Karen, my all time fav gas station worker lady, Me and my friend Keith saw this young guy walk in, looking rather sheepish, he kept looking around to see if anyone was watching him. Spotting the wedding ring on his hand I made a joke to my friend Keith that he was on a 2 a.m. Tampon run for his wife, and he was waiting for us to leave so he can get some (he was embarrassed). I also told Keith that I bet he'll walk around for a bit then buy something cheap, but not the Tampons.

After 20 minutes, he left with a two lieter of Pepsi and a Snickers bar...

Me and Keith died laughing, aint no WAY anyone goes to the store at 2 a.m. for Snickers and soda!

Now, I told you that story to tell you this one.

I had to buy my girlfriend Tampons today... I feel that young mans pain and embarrassment...

She wasnt feeling good today, so naturally I wanted to help her, I offered to run to the store and get some for her... As soon as I started the car I was like, "what the hell was I thinking".

So theres a Food Lion 2 minutes away, along with a CVS pharmacy nearby, I decided to drive all the way to the West Columbia Wal-Mart becuase they have Self-Checkout lanes, good call.

I get there, only needing two items, I grab a cart anyways, AINT NO WAY im carrying that shit around with me in the store, F-that!

I get my cart over to the "feminine products" aisle, all the while thinking in my head "oh this is some bullshit". When I finally found what I was looking for, the damn Tampons, I was shocked to see that there is over 50 billion different Types of these damn things!!! Super absorbant, semi-absorbant, for heavy days, for light days, for rainy days, wings, pads and what the Hell are Pearls??? I was in a sea of Femininity, and I was damn sure embarrassed, I feel your pain 2 a.m. gas station guy, I feel your pain.

It took me FOREVER to find the ones she wanted, I know I looked stupid because anytime someone walked down my aisle, I would pretend as if I were reading the back of a pack of Q-tips. Im sure somebody thought "this guy has been reading Q-tip lables all day, what a freak".

I finally GET the damn things, and as I grabbed the pink ass carton, I felt my manhood depart my body. I LITERALLY felt all wierd and embarrassed, even got a bit sickly in the stomach, no lie, totally degrading...

I get to my Self check out lane, and I scanned that thing as Fast as I could, bagged it and left. Shew...

It was scary, embarrassing, degrading... but it was all for you Lou, have a happy Menstrual Cycle!

Forsaking a God

Ya know, Im starting to feel bad... The only time I blog anymore is when shit is bad, Im starting to sound like a whiney little bitch. So Ill start off by naming some of the good things that have happened as of late...

Now that thats out of the way, lets bitch!

Im pretty discouraged, kinda shook actually. I think its cuz Ive been walking away from God, seemingly by choice. Its amazing how lies will hide behind truth, and I believe them. Its official, I am retarded. I want to get back on track, but am confronted by doubt, guilt, shame... things that dont come from above, but it almost feels as if they should. I feel that I should feel like this, and Im waiting around to be punished to be atoned for my sins.

Im sure this will pass, but it sucks to be here.

On a lighter note, school starts tomorrow.... ick.