Where Im At

Well lets see, where am I? Life is good, I do love my life. But its tough right now, so tough. I dont think Ive had a day since 2 Wednesdays ago where I didnt cry. I havnt been able to sleep without medication in about 3 weeks, and I havnt eaten more than once a day but maybe 4 times in 3 weeks as well... I got my heart broken... Well, more like drop-kicked into oblivion, thats prolly more like it.

So I gave up on Seattle for the time being. Its funny how life throws curves. I was 5 days away from heading out west, next thing I know, Im pouring my heart out to a girl and I get rejected, devastated... suck.

I hurt pretty bad, I wont lie, pretty damn bad. But Ive got amazing friends, and they help see me through. Ive been so caught up in heartache that I forgot about the rest of my life, that whole Job thing. Ive decided its best that I stick around for a bit, kind of heal up with my friends, and stay out of trouble. At the same time, Im ready to get out of Columbia, kind of move on with my life, and perhaps most important at this point, escape the memories I walk around in every day. I try to keep myself busy, just doing crap, to keep my mind off things. I went to the mall, and forgot there were memories there too, damn you Thomas Kinkaid, painter of light my ass.

Anywho, So Im thinking about moving to New Orleans, Charleston, and last case scenario, staying right here in Columbia for another year. I need to be by close friends at this point. I literally cry when Im alone all day. I hate being alone right now. Im afraid of it actually, because Im consumed by thoughts and memories.

Anywho, on a positive note.... Im back... Oh Im fucking back all right, Tony is back. I found my strength again... The Tony who laughs at the shit life throws him and stands again to fight, is back.

I was out at a local restaurant/bar with all my friends just 1 day after heartbreak, and I was just so happy to be with my friends. I saw how blessed I was. And through my absolute pain, I held up my wine glass and said "Im Anthony Alessandro, and I Fuckin LOVE my Life!".... And I do. I know Ill be ok. I know life wont always be like this. I know Ill move on, I know in time, all will be ok. I have my hope back. It was missing for so long, but I found it, I must have left it in the depths of my soul, cuz thats where I found it. I love who I am. I love and trust myself. Its been a while since Ive felt that way. Life is good, tho its Tough as HELL now, I know ill be ok. Im a fucking fighter. I fought through so much in life... random beatings and starvation, sleeping behind dumpsters on cold rainy days, being so hungry that I ate notebook paper, food out of trash cans and off of peoples plates when I was a dishwasher. I should have failed high school, but I took night classes and passed, graduated. Then I was a Marine, a freakin United States Marine who served Honorably for 4 years. I then single handedly put myself through college on my on dime, without anyone pushing or guiding me along. I went through hellish semesters of heartache and trauma from my roommates suicide, and I STILL made it. I didnt make excuses and just stop, or drop out, I fought harder and I graduated. Ive been through SO MUCH in this life, and a broken heart wants to slow me down?!?!? Fuck That!!! Oh no no, Tonys back. Im going to be ok, and it feels so good to have my strength back.

Though life is So tough now... through tears, pain, endless nightmares, no sleep or food... Im ok with life, It Is Well With My Soul. Im Tony, and Im going to be ok no matter what, because Im Tony Alessandro.

Ugh

Im only here cuz I cant sleep. I tried Not using any form of sleeping aid (Nyquil, Sleeping Pills) tonight. I went to bed around 12:30ish, but woke up at 3:00am with immediate anxiety. Im glad my dreams are at least peaceful.

Sometimes I wake up from bad dreams and I when I realize it was just a dream, I have this great feeling of relief. Shew. Now days, its completely opposite. Ill wake up, feeling so upset, and I THINK its because of a dream... but then I realize that its my reality that sucks. Man, life is not fun right now.

Theres a lot going on, so much stress at once. I dont know if Im ready to be leaving yet, I feel like I need my homies more than ever now, but i cant afford to stick around any longer. Im 90% sure Im leaving Monday.

Anywho, other than the constant stress no sleep thing, life is great! It really is, I have so much to be thankful for, I wish I could truley experience it tho, taste it, feel it. One day, hopefully soon.

I travel to Charleston tomorrow, well, today actually. Like in 6 hours. Im excited to see my friends, I love them very much.

Witts End

My heart has been hurting for some time now, I dont fully understand why. Life is so insanely stressful, sometimes I dont know what the hell I am doing. Im so torn in so many places and Im beyond stressed out. I havnt slept well in ages it seems. I cant sleep now, and I dont want to lie in bed and submit to my thoughts.

Should I move? Why am I moving? Is it for me, or for you? Who am I living for, what am I living for? Me? I dont even know, I really dont... i really dont.

I have so many choices to make in such a short time frame, I need answers, I need to make decisions... Why is this so tough.

I just know that I hate living like this. I want this bleeding in my heart to stop, so bad. I want my thoughts to be free, and not on the same two damn things all the god-damn time (using a lower case "g" allows me to say god-damn without using the lords name in vein... or atleast thats how I justify it).

Ive been in Seattle for a week now, its been busy, but goodish. My mind isnt here tho. My friend keeps asking me "Tony, you alright", because Im constantly spacing out, thinking of the stress of moving and a seemingly bottomless heartache. What the fuck is wrong with me, why do I still hurt from this, what the absolute fuck is going on.

Im just bitching out loud, and I admit, it kinda feels good to let it all out. But I just want peace so bad, Im such a troubled soul right now. I will say, on the plus side, that even tho my life is admittingly shitty at this point, not to-to much to be thankful for (im unemployed, cant find a decent job, and Im broke as hell) Im staying out of trouble, and somehow, my faith in God (see, uppercase "G") has increased. Im clinging to the hem of His garment and Im not letting go damnit...

But a fall is coming, I can feel it. I had a moment of weakness tonight, and Im setting myself up to be hurt again. Maybe Im being pessimistic, but I feel pain coming. And this kind of pain goes straight to the core, and rips and tears, and fucks with my life incredibly well.

I do want to say that altho I am having an awful time in life now, I am so thankful for the friends I have. Both back in Cola and out here. I realized tonight that I am blessed. I always look for "blessings" in the form of material things that I think I need, like money and a car that has a working clutch that might actually retain oil and have a driver side window that rolls up and down... I realized tonight that I am Blessed with great friends, I cant help but Thank God for that, i wouldnt be here this far in life without great friends. So I think I need to lean on my friends more (tho its hard for me to share emotional things with them), it would make life taste sweeter, or actually, just taste again. Its been so long since ive tasted life for anything other than bitter, and Its been so long since I could sleep, and I know that sleep is not coming anytime soon.