City beyond the Fog
I am a failure as a man and as a Christian... Those were hard words to admit to my friend, and even harder to admit to myself.
I dont fail much in life... (unless you count the 7 semesters of Spanish I back in junior high/high school... I swear none of those teachers liked me.... who needs that crap anyways.) Getting through the Marines was a huge confidence booster, then ONLY thing I EVER failed in ANY of my training was Daytime Land Navigation, which basically is walking around the woods with a compass trying to find the coordinates they give to you... I failed that, but that was because 3 days prior to us doing the Land Navigation, there was a hurricane which wiped out the "posts" we were searching for. Man, I remember that tore me up, I HATED failing. I was blessed with the opportunity to go back to those woods and actually complete the course (it was part of Sergeants course training). It felt good that NOTHING the Marines had to offer could stand in my way.
That failure was easy, but to fail a human, to not truly love them as God commands, and to hurt them because of this... is so painful.
My relationship with God was not strong enough, I was not strong enough to help out a friend in need. Theres so much guilt, regret, pain... I know God forgives, but Im whipping myslef to death over it. I am so sorry.
My own healing has begun. I too was hurt, and now I turn to God to help. I am so proud of myself, I am SO glad that its God I seek. My past experiences in dealing with pain involve alcohol, maybe a little bit of weed (never to crazy about the stuff) and women. I was by no means an alcoholic or man whore, but I sought comfort in both of those things. I see that to truly heal, is to turn to God, not any of the other things I used to do. I am happy for the state of my heart, even through the pain.
Speaking of which, I want to use my pain to glorify God. I talked to Matt Carrowan (or however you spell that... and thats #23 for those keeping count) about starting a guys group, with a primary focus on building Christian men and leadership characteristics. I look forward to that, I am blessed to be able to use my pain to help others, it gives me hope I guess...
I miss my house church, and I want to say thank you SO much for your love, I turned my back on you all and you loved me anyways, thanks. :)
Im by no means 100%, im still living in guilt and regret... I may never get a chance to change the hurt I caused my friend in the way I want to. And I guess thats life, sometimes all you have is one chance. So I encourage everyone to Love with all your heart, look and see what your doing to your neighbor, listen when they speak, and just Love and forgive as God instructs us to.
However, there is hope... And I know every waking day will be better, I look forward to growing into a man, a man of God. I wont fail again.
I dont fail much in life... (unless you count the 7 semesters of Spanish I back in junior high/high school... I swear none of those teachers liked me.... who needs that crap anyways.) Getting through the Marines was a huge confidence booster, then ONLY thing I EVER failed in ANY of my training was Daytime Land Navigation, which basically is walking around the woods with a compass trying to find the coordinates they give to you... I failed that, but that was because 3 days prior to us doing the Land Navigation, there was a hurricane which wiped out the "posts" we were searching for. Man, I remember that tore me up, I HATED failing. I was blessed with the opportunity to go back to those woods and actually complete the course (it was part of Sergeants course training). It felt good that NOTHING the Marines had to offer could stand in my way.
That failure was easy, but to fail a human, to not truly love them as God commands, and to hurt them because of this... is so painful.
My relationship with God was not strong enough, I was not strong enough to help out a friend in need. Theres so much guilt, regret, pain... I know God forgives, but Im whipping myslef to death over it. I am so sorry.
My own healing has begun. I too was hurt, and now I turn to God to help. I am so proud of myself, I am SO glad that its God I seek. My past experiences in dealing with pain involve alcohol, maybe a little bit of weed (never to crazy about the stuff) and women. I was by no means an alcoholic or man whore, but I sought comfort in both of those things. I see that to truly heal, is to turn to God, not any of the other things I used to do. I am happy for the state of my heart, even through the pain.
Speaking of which, I want to use my pain to glorify God. I talked to Matt Carrowan (or however you spell that... and thats #23 for those keeping count) about starting a guys group, with a primary focus on building Christian men and leadership characteristics. I look forward to that, I am blessed to be able to use my pain to help others, it gives me hope I guess...
I miss my house church, and I want to say thank you SO much for your love, I turned my back on you all and you loved me anyways, thanks. :)
Im by no means 100%, im still living in guilt and regret... I may never get a chance to change the hurt I caused my friend in the way I want to. And I guess thats life, sometimes all you have is one chance. So I encourage everyone to Love with all your heart, look and see what your doing to your neighbor, listen when they speak, and just Love and forgive as God instructs us to.
However, there is hope... And I know every waking day will be better, I look forward to growing into a man, a man of God. I wont fail again.
posted by Tupacs Love Child at 7:46 PM
3 Comments:
I am proud of you.
Hey Tony,
Thanks for being so honest with your life. My uncle said to me "I'm a failure as a friend, a failure as a husband, etc." Have you ever heard of the book "The rest of the gospel?" Encourage you to check it out. I haven't read all of it, but am in the slow process of trying to digest it all.
Thanks for running power point for me last night. I hope it worked out and you were'nt stressed in trying to follow me. It was the Lord that you were there running power point because it helped me to not be so nervous about being up there.
"Oh Lord you're beautiful. Your face is all I seek. For when your eyes are on this child your grace abounds to me." that was, even though most didn't know, a shout out to the greatest 2pac thuggin fan out there..... :)
It almost brought me to tears. And I'm glad you still go to the shack.
-ally
and i don't think you are a failure as a man or as a Christian.
Post a Comment
<< Home