Emptiness - Faith In Nothing
Ok, spirits are moderately high, but this is going to be a blog bitch session, so bear with me.
I am empty, spiritually. Ive reached a point where I cant be filled. And its not for any unknown reasons, anymore anyways, I know what the problem is, and Its me. I feel God is pouring out love, but I have my hand over my cup, wanting to see where the love flows from before I take a sip.
The bible says seek and you shall find. Ive known this my whole life. I want to seek, I want to find the truth, I want to spend time with God, but I dont. Its just so hard... Ive been a bad little boy as of late, how do you sit in front of your "father" with all this dirt on your face. Its tough.
Ive fought through the guilt, the shame of it all. Now Im just stuck in the mud. I hear all sorts of lies about stuff. I was sitting in church last night, trying to worship, and all I could think about was leaving, I cant be here until I am right, until my heart is in this.
To an extent, this is true. I dont like half-assing things. Two weeks ago I brought my roomate Teryle to church, and Ive been bugging my pothead friends to get their ass's in gear and get to church... but why? How can I sell something I dont feel, I cant believe right now. I feel like I dont belong. I do need to get right. I dont think Leaving the church is a good idea, at all, but I dont "feel" it anymore, so whats the point?
Life is tricky. Who has all the right answers? Whose advice do you take? Sometimes we only take the advice we want, especially with dating. My friend Brandi has been dating this guy on and off for years. Hes awful to her, treats her pretty bad. Her parents and friends have been telling her FOREVER he's no good, she needs to leave him, or STAY single when he dumps her again. But no, she does not listen. Time and time again, she is hurt. I dont know who she's doing now, but I should call. Sometimes we're so convinced we can make it right, we loose track of the truth surrounding, we even go so far as to lie to Ourselves, how silly is that. I guess what Im getting at, in an extremely round about way. Where do you put your trust, your faith? Someone said do NOT put faith or trust in people, they will only let you down. This is also true to an extent.
People will hurt you, its a part of life, its a part that really sucks in some cases, but hey thats life. I dont think because people have the ability to hurt you, that you should just Not trust them. How would we truly love someone without trust? How would I have such great friends like Keith, Ray and Pookey without an unquestionable trust? I dunno, I think the trick is not trusting everyone, just the people you can trust, which involves high levels of discernment.
Instead of trusting humans, we are taught to trust a God whose "always there" but isnt making any personal appearances anytime soon. Sometimes I feel like Im sitting around, forcing myself to "fall in love" with this ficticious character. Im making up the love in my head for an imaginary friend.
Now dont get me wrong, I know God is real, but is all this "lovey-dovey" personal relationship true? I dont know.... How about, instead of bitching, I do something about it, I will try my best to seek what my heart/brain needs to get out of this funk. We'll see how true this "seek and you shall find" thing really is.
Anywho, thats the dilemma.
I promise my next blogs will be happy and full of love and all that shit! Happy Easter.
P.S.- Paul, I miss you too. But not like that! :)
I am empty, spiritually. Ive reached a point where I cant be filled. And its not for any unknown reasons, anymore anyways, I know what the problem is, and Its me. I feel God is pouring out love, but I have my hand over my cup, wanting to see where the love flows from before I take a sip.
The bible says seek and you shall find. Ive known this my whole life. I want to seek, I want to find the truth, I want to spend time with God, but I dont. Its just so hard... Ive been a bad little boy as of late, how do you sit in front of your "father" with all this dirt on your face. Its tough.
Ive fought through the guilt, the shame of it all. Now Im just stuck in the mud. I hear all sorts of lies about stuff. I was sitting in church last night, trying to worship, and all I could think about was leaving, I cant be here until I am right, until my heart is in this.
To an extent, this is true. I dont like half-assing things. Two weeks ago I brought my roomate Teryle to church, and Ive been bugging my pothead friends to get their ass's in gear and get to church... but why? How can I sell something I dont feel, I cant believe right now. I feel like I dont belong. I do need to get right. I dont think Leaving the church is a good idea, at all, but I dont "feel" it anymore, so whats the point?
Life is tricky. Who has all the right answers? Whose advice do you take? Sometimes we only take the advice we want, especially with dating. My friend Brandi has been dating this guy on and off for years. Hes awful to her, treats her pretty bad. Her parents and friends have been telling her FOREVER he's no good, she needs to leave him, or STAY single when he dumps her again. But no, she does not listen. Time and time again, she is hurt. I dont know who she's doing now, but I should call. Sometimes we're so convinced we can make it right, we loose track of the truth surrounding, we even go so far as to lie to Ourselves, how silly is that. I guess what Im getting at, in an extremely round about way. Where do you put your trust, your faith? Someone said do NOT put faith or trust in people, they will only let you down. This is also true to an extent.
People will hurt you, its a part of life, its a part that really sucks in some cases, but hey thats life. I dont think because people have the ability to hurt you, that you should just Not trust them. How would we truly love someone without trust? How would I have such great friends like Keith, Ray and Pookey without an unquestionable trust? I dunno, I think the trick is not trusting everyone, just the people you can trust, which involves high levels of discernment.
Instead of trusting humans, we are taught to trust a God whose "always there" but isnt making any personal appearances anytime soon. Sometimes I feel like Im sitting around, forcing myself to "fall in love" with this ficticious character. Im making up the love in my head for an imaginary friend.
Now dont get me wrong, I know God is real, but is all this "lovey-dovey" personal relationship true? I dont know.... How about, instead of bitching, I do something about it, I will try my best to seek what my heart/brain needs to get out of this funk. We'll see how true this "seek and you shall find" thing really is.
Anywho, thats the dilemma.
I promise my next blogs will be happy and full of love and all that shit! Happy Easter.
P.S.- Paul, I miss you too. But not like that! :)
posted by Tupacs Love Child at 7:41 AM
3 Comments:
There have been times I haven't "felt" God or love or right. But just because something isn't felt, doesn't mean you put Tha Book on the shelf and let it collect dust bunnies. Push through without feeling a thing. You will one day recall the things you read and learned and studied during your low. The things you gain now will stay with you when the feelings return.
I agree with her. The point of church is not worship, much as we might believe. It is fellowship. Worship, teaching, rebuke, community, sacraments, sharing, these are all part of that fellowship which we share with each other and with Christ. Just because you don't feel led to worship doesn't mean you stop going to church. It means that you rely on the community, that you trust the church, the fellowship of believers to be God's love for you.
I agree with lou and anonymous. But still, I know you have to go through those struggles for a reason. I think God has given us our own individual wildernesses at some point in our lives. And we have to tackle it to da flo'. yo. Please come tuesday....We've started some deep discussions on faith, the bible, and God's existance in our lives. I think it would help. AL-
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